Been a while

Life is still trucking along.  Let's see the protection order expired 9/11/13.  He finally saw the kids again beginning of October.  He can't not keep on the 8 weeks of supervised.  He has seen them maybe 6 times.  First day was 6 hours, then it was 3 hours, then 2 hours, a couple 30 min visits here and there.

Long story short, the man is using meth presently.  Pretty much if he is being nice to me he is on it.  I see two sides of him, asshole Andy and the some what sane person. He has decided probation is not on his list of things to do and decided to not see his PO anymore.  He does currently have a bench warrant out on him.  He saw the kids briefly to get some stuff out of the house last night and now I am paying the price. Part of the settlement in the divorce was me getting his car up to date.  Now he has a inspected car and supposedly plans on running out of the state to avoid jail. Tonight he is thankful it is warm enough for him to sleep in his car.  *sigh* Sorry I can't help you.

 The kids miss him, they are angry they do not know the next time they will see him.   I am the only who stopped the custody.  I said handle the bench warrant first.  He doesn't want to go to jail.  Well I don't want the kids to see you get arrested.

Although........if they did see him get arrested at least I could come clean.  My gut tells me that at some point they need to know the truth.  9, 7. 5 year old my babies, how do I tell them Daddy is a drug addict who is just buying time until he dies or goes to jail.  For now I will "cover up" the real issue and not tell the full truth.  Daddy doesn't feel well. ugh.

Seems like things were going really well until he popped back into the picture.  I don't want to co-parent.  I just want him to go away:(  This sucks.  Winter sucks.  Not enough sunlight for me.  I turn into a hermit.  I don't answer emails, sorry.  I am unmotivated and if I could stay under the covers all day long I would yet I try my hardest to get up each day put a smile on my face, remind my kids of the simple joys in life.  I just feel like I have lost myself, the maze I am walking around is painful and unforgiving.  I need to make it out of this fog and find myself.  Fake it until you make it right?  I hope someday I look back on this and say wow dark times but I made it!

I'll be okay tomorrow and not so dark and gloomy.  The repercussions of them seeing their Father is staggering in intensity.  The anger just boils over in my son.  He just is so mad at his Dad.  Apprehensive in even greeting his Dad.

I have a hard time NOT helping him.  I am getting better about the codependency though.  I have learned boundaries and how to set them.  Sometimes it just takes me twice as long to set them as someone who is more secure in themselves.

All those emails, I am not going to be able to respond.

Shit Day

So I went to court house only to find out that I can't get an extension on the Protection Order with out a lawyer.  I think that is just bullshit.  If you are able to represent yourself in court why can't you print a form and file it yourself?  The only thing I could do was file for a PFA in a lower court 24 hour one, then go to the bigger court for a 10 day one with a hearing.  Then ask judge to grant me a 1-3 year one.  So 3 more days of hearings???  So I was on the phone trying to figure out how to get it done. The original lawyer is out on vacation. UGH! So I wait.

I had an interesting question via email.  I was asked why I am not dating and trying to find a replacement father for my children.

What is the current divorce rate?  At least 50% right?  The rate for a second divorce even higher.  I believe that most people who rush back into a relationship do not take the time to fix themselves and fall victim to the same pattern again.  I am not willing to do that.  As much as I hate being "alone", I rather fix myself first.  Not saying I am fucked up ( well yeah I am just a bit) but I do struggle with myself imagine ALL.THE.TIME.  If/when I start dating again I need to be comfortable in my own skin again.  I need to not be afraid of me.  I need to not be dependent on someone else to make me happy.  What good am I to someone else if I can't love myself.  I do struggle with that.  I still have my good days and bad days.  I feel like at times I am unworthy.  That I don't deserve someone who could treat me well.  The honest to God truth.  I have more up days than down days now.  The longer I survive on my own the longer I see myself. 

Yes I want sex but I don't want the relationship yet.  I am not ready for that emotionally.  I want to be 100% happy and comfortable in my own skin before I take the leap.

You claimed my life would be easier if I had someone here living with me to shoulder the burden.  I do not agree 100%.  Yes it would be easier if I had a father figure for my children.  Yes I wouldn't be the only one cleaning, paying bills and taking off work every time they get sick.  I was doing this anyway when I was married.  It is easier now "alone" than with a half ass partner who didn't give a shit.Yes I have practically run out of vacation days already.  Yes money is tight but you know what I am free at the moment and that is what counts.  My happiness is what I make it.

Today was one of those days where I was on the verge of tears.  The disappointment that I got from family court saying I can't get the extension.  Then I went to the law library to come up empty handed.  If I was in Philadelphia County I could have done it myself.  I do not think I have cried since I figured out he ripped my wedding dress in half, left used condoms in a box with my wedding garter.  I mean I haven't really cried in a long time yet almost did.  I don't know something is wrong when you just want to sob and you can't.  So yeah I have a long way to go with myself.  I shouldn't be ashamed to cry when I need to.  I at some point I have to let the tears flow.  I need to just let it go.

Fuck me

Yeah pretty much.  Maybe a random fuck would make me feel better.  Life just needs a pick me up. Or maybe just to be held.  Or maybe an orgasm or three......................gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. 

To YOU.  You know who you are.

  As much as I try to stay positive it boils down to YOU and the strange spin you put me on.  FWIW you did make the right choice though sending that email and then proceeding to delete that email account after you poured out your heart............sucks because I can't respond to you.  You made the right choice.  Your last paragraph, what did you expect me to do? Live your life.  Reconcile I never asked for anything more.  Love HER!  Love her with all your heart!  Do it for your children.  I truly am happy for you.  You are right..............the last paragraph.

I am stressed beyond....though coping.  I now have 2 court dates next week.  My hopefully stbx had his violation hearing.  6 month probation and anger management. 

Custody hearing next week on the 13th which of course scares the crap out of me.  I am torn.  My children miss him and love him.  It has been 10 months since they have had contact.  Breaks my heart that they miss him so much.  At the same time I am selfish b/c he shouldn't be able to see them!  Not if in my heart I feel like they are just a dollar amount.

So I have the exclusion from the property hearing on the 16th now as well!  My 3000.00 retainer is gone that my parents paid.  I feel bad asking for more money so I will pay the 128.00 I owe.  Then ask for a payment plan. The two hearings next week looking at the bill should be about another 2000.00.

I need my vacation.  I need I need I need....SEX.....frustrated.

Is it so bad I just want to lose myself in sex with someone other than myself?  That I want to just be wanted and reciprocate?  Wrap my lips around cock? 

I am so ready for school to start!  I am worn thin with the daily routine.  I feel like a robot.  I feel withdrawn.  I don't know what I want except to be done with seeing him.  I hate that I saw him on Friday.  I hate that now I have to see him 2 times next week and possibly again next week.  I am going to the court house tomorrow to extend the PFA.

I swear I am about to tap out 401k and say take the money.  Sign off your kids and go.  I don't care about the money because you will NOT break them. 

Scared, lost, sexually frustrated, bitchy needy ANGRY...........you name it.

All over the place and one of the ones which I will wind up deleting at some point.

Holland Road

Still here.  Still struggling but trying to rise up.  I want off this roller coaster.

Mini Update dickwad asshole violated the protection order and entered my house while I was working.  Took a lot of "his" shit.  It isn't his shit if he still owes the money to the credit card companies.  He is asking for equitable distribution.  In his eyes it means, half the house, half my 401k, half his debt etc.  Fuck no.  Fuck you.  I have been the working full time parent who begged you to not charge shit.  You went behind my back and spent it anyway.
Prior to him breaking in my house he had called and said, are you sure you don't want to make things work? *eye roll* then preceded to inform me he wanted his stuff, my lawyer said no, I said no, police said no.  Then told me verbally he was moving back in as soon as the PFA expired on Sept 10th.
So I am waiting for my husband to get arrested for violating the order.  It has been two weeks since he broke in.

Song below...........love it:)


"So I was lost
Go count the cost before you go
To the Holland Road
With your heart like a stone
You spared no time in lashing out
And I knew your pain and the effect of my shame

But you cut me down
You cut me down

And I will not tell
The thoughts of hell
That carried me home
From the Holland Road
With my heart like a stone I put up no fight
To your callous mind and from your corner you rose

To cut me down
You cut me down

So I hit my low
Little did I know
That would not be the end
And from the Holland Road
Well I rose and I rose and I paid less time
To your callous mind and I wished you well
As you cut me down
You cut me down

But I'll still believe
Though there's cracks you'll see
When I'm on my knees I'll still believe
And when I've hit the ground
Neither lost nor found
If you'll believe in me I'll still believe

And I'll still believe
Though there's cracks you'll see
When I'm on my knees I'll still believe
And when I've hit the ground
Neither lost nor found
If you'll believe in me I'll still believe"

 Mumford & Sons – Holland Road

Mini Update and Domestic Violence Hotline

I am curious about the married bloggers whose spouses do not know they blog.  How many of us started to blog to vent and now are in the process of divorce?  Or thinking about it?

Did we start to blog because we had so much we wanted to say and couldn't say to our SO?

I know 7 of us now that are getting divorced.  I guess it saddens me that so many of us have to go through the process.  Once we make it through life will be better.  Some of you have to worry about custody, alimony, selling your house etc etc.  HUGE life changes but we will make it to the other side:) I am thinking about you.

The ninety day wait was up for me here in PA.  I filed the motion to go forward with the divorce just waiting to find out if the judge needs anything else.  I could not turn in my settlement request because my husband has not signed off on it. Not sure where he is at the moment.  I just want to be free of him.  Break all ties.  I know that I can never truly break free but hell I can try!


Okay I have had quite a few emails with people reaching out to me, some ARE currently in abusive relationships. Some of you are reaching out with words of encouragement saying you have been there done that.  I truly do appreciate it.  I am in NO POSITION to offer anyone help on domestic violence situations nor am I trained professional in the matter.  I am still healing and slowly making the climb back up my mountain.  I will NOT offer advice nor will I help you.  You need to help yourself and the first thing you can do is call the domestic violence hotline at the end of this post.

Here is a little bit of my story for those of you reaching out.  If you think you may be in an abusive relationship get help from a professional NOT ME!

I guess what I am thinking is that for me, looking back, I started blogging because deep down inside a voice was telling me I was done with my marriage.  I just did not have the courage that I needed to end it.  I had this overwhelming urge to try to fix a man who didn't want the help.  I first started blogging about my "so called marriage" 4 years ago. I used you all as a sounding board.  Some of you I emailed telling you in detail about some of the abuse asking if I asked for it, or if they would ever do something like that. I thought I pushed him too far by giving back my rings, telling him I was done, asking for an open marriage, taking away his credit cards etc.   Of course someone would get angry and threaten you right?  NO not right.  No one should EVER make you feel unsafe.  No one should ever make you walk on egg shells or be quiet in your house because he wants to sleep all day.  Don't wake Daddy up, he will be angry.  Very angry.

I have a lot of women who email me asking me about emotional abuse vs physical abuse.  The emotional abuse was 95% of the abuse for me.  Though I know deep down inside the physical abuse was going to get worse.  The first couple times he would get mad and something would be thrown, the one time it hit me in the face.  I denied that it happened, said no he could not have thrown that at me.  Then second time was the big one that he went after my son for coming down from time out too early, he went after my son and I went after my husband to pull him off my son.  He punched me in leg. I still tried to help the man and went to his doctor I was still willing  to blame his medications because I was scared of divorce.
The last time was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I drew the line at physical abuse but I should have drawn the line with the emotional abuse. I got the PFA(protection from abuse) put into effect which was scary as all hell but necessary.

Bruises can heal but sometimes the emotional abuse lingers.  You question yourself, your insecurities rear their ugly head but you keep on fighting for a better life.  If you are a women who is suffering from emotional abuse seek professional help contact a local domestic violence shelter and get in counselling.  I had the phone number hidden in my cell phone because I knew he was going to cross the line at some point. Get the help you need or at least find out what your options are.  No one should stay in an abusive relationship.  There is help out there for you. This is for a few of you I have gotten emails from.  My gmail account is not my primary email, I don't check it as often as I should.  Just if you think you  might need help, I can't help you, I am not a professional.  I keep repeating myself I know but I have had so many reach out to me.  I just can't be involved.  My only advice to you is contact a local domestic violence center.

SAFETY ALERT!

Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer, and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) orTTY 1−800−787−3224.

                               http://www.thehotline.org/ Domestic Violence Website with hotline.

nostalgic

What would have been my 11th wedding anniversary is on Saturday. I have to remind myself of the good memories and not constantly remember only the bad ones.
I miss, the cuddles, how he would make me laugh, all the fun things someone would have in a marriage. I been wallowing in bitterness.
I know I don't want him back. I do want to try again but with someone else.
just feel like I turn turned to another chapter in my life. It feels good, yes my marriage was bad but I rather remember some of the good times than be bitter, negative and full of regrets. Life goes on. I have three beautiful kids, and a neighbors daughter who is practically mine. I'm lucky, blessed, beautiful, roof over my head and food on the table. For so long I said I can do this. Now its like I am doing this and doing the best I can.

Okay Okay explaining myself better hopefully;)

Tons of emails from my last post.

This chick has done nothing with her life except build relationships based off lust. The corner stone of my marriage was sex.  I built a relationship off of sex.  I need to do things the other way around.  I need to build a relationship off emotions, love, having things in common, seeing the world similar and having the same goals in life.  One of the things that destroyed my marriage was when I lost the only connection that I had with him..............the SEX.
I feel like I have learned a very good lesson that sex alone can't build a relationship.  I am not claiming that sex was the only thing we had but it was too big of component.  It was the only emotional connection I think I had with him.  I had this driving urge to settle and have children.  Then he became the father of my children, now he is just the sperm donor since he is not a father to them at all.  Maybe this will change in the future but I am not holding my breath.
Yes I understand that you have to be attractive to someone and have that lust but why should I start with sex? I want to like the way the think.  I want to date not just sex.
So noooooooooo not sending out naked pictures.  Not going to be emotional support for the married men in my life or the emotionally unavailable ones.  Not going to feed inner whore at the moment.
Doesn't mean I won't have sex just means that right now, I want an emotional connection first not jump into bed then try to find a connection.  Let them be surprised later when they find out I give very good blow jobs or that I could have sex everyday.  Or that I am not a one orgasm women, one just gets me started.  I want them to accept me on a personal level and love me for me, not just sex.

I'm ready

I'm ready to put myself on pussy lock down. I dunno hard to explain but my travels proved to me how easy it would be to go out and have meaningless sex. I was kissed by a man who I had hours of conversation with thought he was pretty nice.I balked on letting him in my room...despite the attraction. The next morning I see him waiting for the shuttle to the airport with one very hung over women. It was his girl friend or wife ugh I hate being the other women.
I'm the other women in so many factions, to so many people. I don't want to be second best,I want to be first. I don't want a meaningless fuck.I think I'm ready to to love again and be loved.
Some might think it is too soon but if you look at how long I faked my marriage, I know that I'm ready. I have goals, I want a bigger family. I want to experience a life where two people are in it together for the greater good. I want to foster children or adopt.
Right now being a single mother I still "foster"other children, one comes with me everywhere. I love her like she is my own, her mother is so checked out she is amazing. I feel like I could really do some good.
Fate will ultimately decide but I hope it happens sooner than later. If not I'm okay. I really do have an amazingly life at present. My state dictates that I can't foster unless I have a spouse but hey if it is not meant to be it isn't meant to be.
I guess I'm okay being single soon to be divorced but sexless by choice. I can't settle for anything less.

Excited

For so long I held myself back in my life. I was not willing to travel for my company and feel like i missed out on so much. My Mom is in town and I get to go to Atlanta on Monday then return Tuesday late. I have never been to Georgia. I have worked with this company for twelve years now and things are just starting to get interesting;)

Now let's just say a little prayer for no snow for the Philly area Monday. I need this trip, granted it's a short one but I really need a night away in a hotel.

Mondays meeting ends at 3 pm. Dinner isn't until 7 pm so I have booked myself a massage and will hopefully squeeze in a nap.

All you people with no kids have it easy, I'm lucky if I can shower without interruptions.....so send some no snow vibes my way!!! I really need to treat myself to a weekend away.  Some where with sand between my toes and a nice tub.  Sure a partner in crime would be fun, someone to have my way with in bed maybe I just need a room with a man!  HA!

dreams

I keep on having a reoccurring dream. In this dream I am lying on crisp white sheets, naked, aroused with a man who has brown hair, hazel eyes and he gazes up to me, mouth poised above my mound. I feel his breath on my clit, he is about to go to town on me. My hands quickly push him down begging him to taste me as my hips lift. Fuck ,then I wake up on the verge of an orgasm. I keep having this dream over and over can't quite make out his face. sometimes it flashes to him coming up my body after I've cum kissing me hard as I taste myself on his tongue pinning my arms above my head as he slowly pushes himself inside me.....gaaaaaah...why can't it be real.....

Old Flames

A friends with benefits I had right as I met my husband bumped into me yesterday. If I want to be 100% honest I hooked up with him once or twice before my husband and I got engaged. He came up behind me and whispered in my ear "I still remember the taste of your pussy." OMG yeah some women might find that too forward but I just about melted.  I am on the fence.  While I would love to go back to where we left off I am torn.  I mean he ate a mean pussy.  Probably the best I have had to be honest.  The draw back is we never had sex.  He doesn't do sex.  I remember him cumming just from pleasuring me but the few times I reached for him, he stopped me.  Sex just isn't his thing AT ALL.  He gets nothing from it.  He doesn't like receiving.  I like giving and receiving.  He likes giving and watching.  He gets off on sharing his women.  He likes to watch his significant other have sex with other men. Ben (fwb's) was overwhelming to my senses but willingly to let me be who I was at the time.  I guess we hooked up on and off over a couple year span and it was fun.  Sheesh the orgasms were amazing:)  I still remember having to tap out and say I am done............enough!  LOL
Yes I have a fantasy about being with two men.  Yes this would be an opportunity to fulfill that fantasy as well.

35 year old women and what almost halfway through my sex life.  Yeah I want more sex but at what cost?  I settled for my husband.  I really did.  So fuck that shit!  I am not willing to settle. At the same time I have some needs and nothing better than good oral right?  See torn between old ways of feeling wanted but not willing to give my heart up.  Ben really really liked me part of the reason why I pushed him away.  I definitely know I can't settle for oral sex only.  Then again I could just take the pleasure again.   

I am just in a spot in my life where I want to go out and have fun BUT part of me wants to have someone by my side.  Someone who feels lucky to be with me and I feel lucky to be with them.
I can sit here and reflect back on my life and freely admit that I have never had a healthy relationship.  I really want that experience someday!  I know that sounds like a silly thing to say but it is on my bucket list.  HAHA Seems 90% of the men I meet are assholes and married. 

So he has my email and we will see what I decide.  Maybe the no sex rule is off the table.  Maybe it could be a fun way to pass time but again at what cost?  I am not ready for a relationship, I need to get through my divorce and fix myself. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. 

Ups and downs

Well the "ups" lasted for a while, this week has been all about the "downs".  One of those weeks where I almost wanted to feel sorry for myself.  Thankfully I have some kick ass friends who don't let me get away with that shit. One of them brought over 2 bottles of wine and a case of beer!  We almost drank the two bottles.  A lot of fun.  I miss me time.

My husband started to come around my street this week.  About 30 houses down.  I could see his car from my kitchen.  So it was very nerve wracking.  I am pissed about it still.  What you wanna emotionally damage your kids?  You won't file for custody but will visit a neighbor?  What a fucktard!

On Thursday morning I had a discussion with my son.  It was an adult conversation for an 8 year old.  Just saying listen Daddy is here in the neighborhood, please don't approach him. He is just visiting a friend.  We have to wait for permission to see Daddy etc.  Then my son floors me and says "Daddy is a drug addict."

Um............ wow seriously.  Then he precedes to tell me why he thinks is father is a drug addict. 

So I am just floored by how frank my son was with me.  Such a little man.

That day he decides to take a pocket knife with him to school to protect himself.  Right before the end of school he decides to put it in his pocket and drops it.  He claims he was preparing himself just in case Daddy was waiting for him. This kills me. 

I do not know what is going to happen.  Friday I sent him to school knowing he got caught, the school had NOT contacted me yet.  Then I had to go pick him up, he is suspended until a school board hearing is held. (no longer than 10 business days)

Called in reinforcements, my Mom is flying in tomorrow!   YAY. I am still freaking out but trucking alone.

My Mom has manged to some how take the reigns, she is kicking me out of the house next weekend.  I have no idea WHAT to do but YAY.  I need a break.  I have been flying solo with 3 kids since October.  Even if I don't make plans for next weekend, I am going to at least get one night in a hotel for sleep!  I need it! 

So yeah, fuck me, this week sucked BUT you know what...........I am a kick ass Mom who can handle just about anything.  I work full time and manage to keep the house in order with my 3 little tornadoes.  So I don't have time to feel sorry for myself, I have to keep on trucking.  I have to just keep on going for my kids on the days I don't feel like getting out of bed. 

Next week will be excellent right?  I hope!  I don't think they will expel my son but they are aware of the situation of my husband.

He has been served

Holy Crap. I hired someone to serve him the divorce papers. I literally dropped off the papers and the gentlemen said I will go serve him now. I had some errands to run and was really nervous especially since I knew any minute I could get a nasty email. How would he react? Is he just as done as I am or is he going to fight me tooth and nail?

Anyway my friend, pretty damn close friend. I say this because he is also my co-worker. We go way back. He is my work spouse and I can say ANYTHING to him. Anyway he convinces me to stop over since his wife had a township meeting tonight. He knew I had to go drop off the papers to be delivered. He just didn't want me going straight home, we were thinking of doing booger king with the kiddos.

My email dings on the phone as I am pulling into Reds driveway. Thankfully it said Andrew *** ******has been served as of 5:15pm. I opened the door to my car and puked. It was like the nerves have killed my stomach.

I have heard nothing and hope that continues to be the case. I hope he signs off and leaves me alone. I doubt he will but my parents are willing to pony up.

Filed

I'm scared of what is behind me and scared of what is to come.  524.50 dollars later and I have officially filed for divorce.  I have to have him served now and wait.  Wait to see if he will just sign off.  I hate that the ball is in his court.

My father in law said he is moving out and renting an apartment with my husband.  Good it is about time. 

My children are so freaking amazing but I can't shield them from the pain.  They yearn to see Daddy.  They latch on to every male that I know.  It breaks my heart.

My oldest asked me if he was adopted.  He said that one of the other kids said to him that maybe you were adopted, that is why your Daddy doesn't want you anymore. Gaaaaaaah.

So I keep on going on. 

My Dad was right, he said divorce is painful.  Painful for everyone around you. 

I feel like sulking but know I should be happy.  Maybe the happiness will come another day.

Naughty Texting from Last Night:)

A friend and I were chatting on the phone, his cell phone died and we switched to texting.  This is a rough copy of our antics.  Took everything in me to not hop in the car and show up on his doorstep. Of course as with everything we were texting over each other, I'm sure you can figure it out though;)  This chicka needs some sex.......bad.  Especially after I read our texting again.  Too fun!  :)  Muaaaaaaah. Yes I squirm, he knows that. Fun times:) 

Him:I told you.(his cell phone died mid sentence) Now dive deep & pinch your nipples.

ME: Rolling, pinching.....still wish I had your cock...

ME: Go cum too;) then sweet dream about wet hot pussy;)

Him: I would probably be crawling into bed to grasp & fuck you from behind.

ME: Complete abandon from me....hehe considering the trust level....I'd probably try anything...

Him: My hands on your breasts & your pussy, pushing my hand deeper, spreading your lips w/ my fingers rolling your clit with my knuckles...

ME: Gaaaaaaaaaaah

Him: Mmmmm....

ME: I want so bad.....

ME: Feeling you on me is intoxicating......plus I like your body, you're hot, a very intense, demanding....

ME: I want to give you an edging blow job....nice sloppy wet one

Him: Now my fingers dive deeper, sliding in your warmth, slipping inside. They want to lock in, to find that spot, but push on, burying in that slick hole until you moan,

ME: Teases from me until you can't take it anymore

ME: Fuck you are going to make me need a towel under me.

ME: Wish we could fuck right now. Even if we met at a rest stop on the turnpike half way point, fuck you, I would do you in the car....lol

Him: I won't let you obey anything but your own ecstasy. as you cum & feel embarrassed about your wetness, I grasp your hips & position them under me, letting my massive cock grind into your clit, watching you squirm.

ME: <insert> of a video. Yeah I'm that wet........if not wetter..

ME: Fuck me please.

Him: I take the tip of my cock & rub it up and down your clit, gliding past your hungry hole & pressing firmly on your asshole, while you fidget to get my cock near your pussy...

ME: Fuuuuuuuck Eat me, bite me, make me lose control.

ME: You are going to tease me like that? mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Him: I take my hands & thrust your hips up to meet my lips. I lick, to taste, & then drive my tongue deep into your pussy.

ME: C................................... (I typed his name)............ I need your cock, your mouth....heaven..........and I'll try not to squirm but know my hips are moving and I'm grabbing for your hair....almost like to want to keep you there or push you away the pleasure is too much.

Him: I am intoxicated by your scent, driven to madness, & I drag my tongue over your pussy pushing insistently, licking your clit wwith snake-like flicking pressing.....

ME: Fuck........I want to taste myself on your lips...........feel you stretching me as you work inside me.

Him: A probing finger tells me your pussy yearns for more, thrusting, attempting to drive it deeper. I press down, constant pressure as my tongue flicks, pulling your hips higher.

ME: OMG delay your trip.......cum with me, come to me. Yeah I'd be squirming good..........fingers in your hair gasping for breath.........scratching your scalp with my fingernails.......ugh

Him: I reach under you & grab your ass, which makes you squirm, inviting me more firmness, pinning you while I bring my lips to your clit.

ME: You torture me!!!!!!

Him: Dragging myself up my cock finds your pussy & needs no help as you suck me in, pressing down with all your weight to drive me deep, to press against you until you yield & I can retreat.

ME: God I can't even begin to imagine how good you would feel in me right now.

Him: But there's no retreat- I thrust deeper into you, & you crumpled, moaning with my cock hitting your g-spot. Your moans make me crazy & I thrust again.......& again.

Him: I'd whimper, moan and thrash, I do love feeling you cum in me. You feel so good and I feel you get harder if that is even possible right before you cum.

Him: I pick up your legs, pressing the knees towards your shoulders. I can't help fucking you deeper, harder.

ME: I bite my lip not to scream at times though I know I'm out of my mind with please no idea if I'm silent or scream.

ME: You my friend are a pussy tease......lol fuck fuck fuck..........I want you here.............RIGHT NOT! Soaked, hot, ready and waiting, come get it.

Him: As you moan loader, grasping me closer, tearing at me with flailing hands desperate to control my thrusts, I reposition, grabbing your ass, pulling you to me, pushing deeper, faster.

Me: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Him: I pull out, kidding you deeply as your face mixes with frustration & desire. I deftly scoop you up & turn you over onto your knees & press against you. My cock finds its target quickly, hungry for more. Your pussy is insistent, wet, & your hot. As I thrust again, your moans grow loader & your ass presses back against me harder.

ME: Dripping wet, waiting, trying not to squirm....Im' sure if you were behind me, I'd be biting the pillow grasping at the sheets trying to stay still and enjoy the feel of you sliding in and out of me......knowing if I angle my head right I can watch you thrusting into me.

Him: I give you all of my cock in one long constant thrusts, & you melt to the bed, whimpering, trying to keep your ass still as you squirm.

ME: Something about watching you sink into my pussy is hot. I'm sure you have a better view for watching your cock moving in and out of me.

Him: You moan & I realize I'm in trouble. I pull out & flop down on the bed in front of you, holding my cock straight up.

ME: Is this where I get to taste myself on your cock? Clean up some of the wetness before I climb on top? FUCK

Him: You crawl to me, sitting on top, watching as you grasp my cock & hold it, pressing your pussy onto it, juices flowing.

Him: You have control finally & realize this with a wry smile. You thrust slowly, trying to tease, realizing you almost push yourself too far.

ME: Certainly not hard to do with your massive cock.

Him: You push off of me, sliding down to grasp my firm cock, your wetness over it, you are looking at it with intent.

ME: Almost on the pleasure pain scale when you are fully seated in me, almost too deep....

Him: You lick flick and lightly kiss teasing me as my cock gets harder.

ME: Gaaaaaaaaaah about that can I please do that now to you.

Him: You take my tip in your mouth, rolling the head firmly with your tongue. grasping the shaft w/ your hands. As you pump my shaft you take more & more into your mouth, as my hips rock & lift w/ every suck.

ME: Test the waters guide my mouth up and down your shaft gently thrusting.....YES Lift your hips pushing deeper into my mouth.

Him: As my cock pulsates it pleases you, you smile & lick the precum as it wells up.

ME: great minds think alike I do like the taste of your precum.

Him: I grab your hair & press your mouth down onto my base, anxious to stop myself from cumming.

ME: I feel you quiver with your need to cum. HARD WET PUSSY NEEDS COCK NOW.

Him: I grasp your arms & pull you to me on top again, spearing your wet hot pussy w/ my rock hard cock.

ME: my saliva would have been dripping down to your balls.

Him: I grasp your ass & pump furiously. You sit up, pressing all of my cock deep inside. I lean forward suckling your nipples, pulling and teasing.

ME: Do you even know how hard it is when I feel you so deep to move? I just want to savor the feeling, so full.......feels like you shouldn't fit.

Him: We look down to watch as my cock presses into you again & again. You shudder & squirm, I surprise you by putting you on your back quickly.

ME: Fuck me into a coma.

Him: As you cum again, I thrust deeply, feeling my cum pull at me, forcing its way. I thrust over & over, delaying the inevitable. We slam our bodies together knowing what's to come. I slide my cock in & out, grabbing your ass, probing my fingers into your ass.

ME: I wanna feel you right now!!! My legs would be jello, I'd sag and feel overwhelmed with pleasure, feeling the after shocks.

Him: I can't take it anymore, & as you push onto me harder & harder, I cum deep into you, locking your body in place as I grind into ur hips.

ME: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Him: I roll over in exhaustion, & you roll over on top of me, kidding my body, working your way back to my cock where you lick and suck it into submission. Kissing.

ME: Your cock submits to me............Mmmmmmmmmmmmm

 

want part one

As we embrace I feel my arousal, I feel myself getting wet, my nipples harden. My clit throbs to the beat of my heart.
You hug me closer, I inhale your scent feeling your erection against me through our clothing. I am lost in sensation. No words are spoken, we both know where this is going.
You lean back from me hips still sealed rubbing yourself knowing that you make my legs weak. You have complete control. Your finger lifts my chin and you kiss me deeply, sucking my lower lip into your mouth and biting just hard enough to sting. I melt in your arms and groan. Our hips move in unison, striving to get closer. Need over takes me.
I catch my breath and say I want you in me.  You laugh and say wait.
You run your hands down my back, lifting my shirt on the upstroke. I am helpless in your arms.
Before I know it I am backed up to the bed, and naked. You are fully clothed. I beg you to unclothe. You finally comply. I can't help but appreciate your body. Seeing how hard and ready, makes my mouth water. I want to feel you in my mouth, lick the precum I see glistening on the tip. You know how bad I want you. I am soaked. I reach for you and you push me back onto the bed. I try reaching again and you deny me. Instead you say finger yourself. I tease you running my hands down to my stomach but back up to cup my breasts and pinch my nipples. This causes me to arch my hips. You can see I'm dripping with my arousal. Once again I rub my hands down my sides and cup my core, slowly sliding a finger along my slit, circling my clit spreading my wetness. I make eye contact and move my fingers from my clit down and push two fingers deep inside. You moan with appreciation.  I curl my fingers striving to rub my gspot.

Anger so much of it

I hate that my entire life feels like it is a constant struggle.  I mean I completely lost my shit last night.  I saw red.

Yesterday I went and picked up my oldest from school, then we went to my  neighbors.  Got the divorce paperwork done.  I was elated, happy and just waiting for legal to approve and send back to me.  They normally get it back in 24 hours.  Here is the tricky part.  He is leaving his motel on Tuesday.  So I need to print and file the paperwork at the court house.  Have him served while he still has an address.  Supposedly he does not have a place to go. 

I knew this was coming but my FIL went and took my husband out for lunch.  So he is all bent out of shape.  Saying my husband has truly hit rock bottom.  That he is facing living out of his car.  Okay and by the way Tom, that is MY CAR as of right now. 

Tom thinks I should talk to my husband.  Tom thinks this.  Tom thinks that.  I went off.  I really said some mean nasty things.  He said some shit too.  Like threatening to move out.  I said FUCKING GO then.  I don't need you trying to tell me that he has changed. I don't give a rats ass. He starts to raise his voice, I remember saying "YOU THINK YOU CAN RAISE YOUR VOICE TO ME". 

Why is it as soon as I raise my voice and start screaming like a raving lunatic someone takes me seriously.  Why?  Why do I have to drop the f-bomb and clench my fists in anger.  Gaaaaaah.  I normally stew quietly in my anger but last night I could have went for blood.  Calm cool collected fuck no.  I am ready for a battle.

I talked to him briefly this morning.  I said I am too angry to talk to you still, I feel like you betrayed me. I guess he is taking my hb over to his Aunt's house to see if he can go live there tomorrow.  Well Tom maybe you can live with her too. I am so fed up.

OMG, I need some serious calming vibes.  I am furious and I have a feeling he is going to wind up getting kicked the fuck out soon.  He set a date and let me know when he is leaving.  Don't threaten me asshole.

Almost done the paperwork:)

Okay yes I'm in a bit of hermit mode aka depression funk...whatever you want to call it.  Halfway done the divorce paperwork, finishing up tomorrow with my neighbor who is graciously helping me out.  Hopefully he will just sign the papers.  I doubt he will but at least I haven't paid for a lawyer yet.  I can still get one if he does not agree.

I have been keeping myself busy with kid stuff.

I winded up stopping by unannounced to see someone who I consider a father figure in my life.  I used to go and hang out with him and help run "the shop" while I waited for my ride home from work.  K. is an amazing person who is very business savy and so much worldly knowledge.  He knew about the separation and knew that something crazy must have happened. He said everything that I needed to hear today.  I swear I should just go see him instead of my counsellor.  He has so much knowledge when it comes to addiction, divorce, all kinds of things.

He knows my husband well.  I guess I never knew how many people were out there watching from afar wondering what the last straw was going to be.  He gets me, he really does.  He said he wanted to tell me to run a really long time ago but it was my choice to stay. 

On another note, you know how I like to distract myself from my own drama.........lol I finally accepted a date with, lets call him Starbucks guy.  Yeah he has been ogling me for a while, aka couple of years. Hot guy, looks good in a suit and I was pretty sure he owned the Cayenne that I always see in the parking lot.  He would buy me a cup of coffee here and there, polite flirts etc.  I did agree to go out to lunch with him.  Yeah we have NOTHING in common well except divorce. I think I would have had more of an interest in him except he was an ass to the waitress, flinched away from a toddler at the restaurant, very materialistic......yeah been there done that not interested. If I were in his field I think I would be helping more people instead of building an empire.  I rather be with someone who is broke and compassionate, than one who brags about how much he charges insurances companies for his services rendered.   No wonder why he is divorced twice.  Yes he spoke of his exes and how horrible they were.  So thankfully he did talk about himself the entire time:)  HAHAHA I was kinda on the fence about what to tell someone, never once did he ask about me:) 

 

Been one of those weeks

Last week in family counselling, my daughter revealed that DH, chased her around the house with an airsoft gun over the summer and shot her in the knee. I was shocked, angry with him and  angry with myself .  Angry at myself that my kids did not feel safe to open up to me until now.  Angry that this is just coming up. If I would have known then I would have had them listed individually on the PFA.  I know you can't blame yourself for something that you had no control over but still I am their Mother.  Why didn't my intuition kick in?  Yes he was verbally abusive to me but I have no idea the scope of the abuse that went on towards my children.  It hurts to see my kids hurt. 

Yesterday I heard from my husband via an email.  I had applied for the children's social security income and got approved.  He lost their money this month.  He sent me a sob email, wanting the money back.  I did not respond.  I just don't care what happens to him. I really don't at this point.  I think I finally understand what hate means.  I think for once I am capable of hating someone.  I hate him that I still fear him.  I hate him that I still have nightmares of him punching himself in the face, then telling me he was going to break my jaw.  I hate him for spitting on me.  I loathe him.  I HATE HIM FOR what he has done to my kids.  I hate that I stared at my computer screen, scared to open the email.  How do I get rid of the fear?  How does one simple email dredge up all these emotions so quickly and fiercely?

Saturday I had to call Child Protection Services on my husband, they came out on Sunday assessed the situation.  Then my intake case worker came out for a visit last night.  He was very kind and I feel handled the kids like a pro.  By law he has to go see my hb and let him know about investigation.

So now I sit here and wait.  Wait to see if my hb dares to contact me again.  Wait to see if he flips out and sends me an email once the case worker visits him. 

I have no idea what to expect.  I don't know if they will bring up charges against him. I say throw his ass in jail and let him rot.  After all this time he still has power over me and I can't stand that.

It is a NEW YEAR:)

It is a New Year. I have some new goals in life too:)  More short term goals. 

Meet Lawyer and file.   (Still haven't met with my lawyer but most definitely need to and soon.  I just want this divorce done and over with.)

Be more honest with myself and my feelings.  Too many times I bit my tongue and bury feelings. Or I almost express myself and hold back.  Maybe it is fear of being disagreed with or rejection.  For too long  I had someone telling me how I should feel instead of saying hold up, back up I feel xyz.  A lot of times I listen and then wait, then bring up when I think the timing is right. *eye roll* I need to stop that! It doesn't do me any good to appease anyone.

Love more freely.  I really need to embrace life for what it is. We only live once.  Sometimes we have to take risks to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

More ME TIME. I need to put my needs first:)  If Mom is happy so are her children.

Long term goals.

Set aside a percentage of the kids money for their college.  I already have separate bank accounts for them. So just a matter of catching up a bit then planning.

Figure out who I am.  I know I am a mother, friend, lover, etc.  I just don't know what my purpose is in life.  Where my home is.  What I should be doing.  I need to figure all that out. Yes I have a full time job that I make good money at BUT part of me wants to go to Florida.  My Dad was talking about buying a business and having me manage it.  Whether it be retail or restaurant, hell I was thinking maybe even a rental company for beach equipment near the beach.  Most of the time businesses fail when they have bad placement or bad management:) I also already have contacts in the Tampa Area.

Start saving for me.  I want to travel someday. Hopefully at the point I have someone to call my own to travel with me.  Someone who is a true partner who loves me as much as I love them.  Someday I want to be healed enough to be loved and love someone else freely. I mean I love but most times I don't express that enough, especially if I don't want to be rejected.   I want to settle down with someone but not in the same place.  I guess I feel like I am a drifter stuck in one state.  So much to see love and experience in life.


4 months of counselling under my belt and I feel good.  Yes I still have needs but I hold them closer to me now.  Not letting my inner whore come out to play except with close friends I trust.  Inner whore certainly wants to fuck and be fucked, she is just really selective right now. 

I feel like I have grown as a women.  I see what I have to offer to someone in life.  I see what my children have to offer. 

I am trying to relax and let myself shine.  Let the cards fall where they will.  For a while there I was in self pity mode.

It has been a bit of a challenge being both mother and father to my children.  DH still has not applied for custody.  I do not anticipate that he will. The children do know he is NOT coming back.  That has been hard for them.

I did apply for his social security benefits and have already received checks the beginning of this month.  I am scared because I know he doesn't not find out until tonight/tomorrow.  I have this nervous ball in my stomach.  At least I already have a PFA in place.  I just worry that him losing 1/3 of his money with no notice will tip him over into the darkness.  I really am freaked the fuck out about it.  I am walking around acting like it isn't bothering me but this time tomorrow, I could be a target.

I do have a friend coming up hopefully to visit.  Hopefully he will be here tomorrow.  If not, I might just bite the bullet and go stay at a friends house if need be with the kids.  I still don't feel safe about DH's actions and what they may be.  Even though it is NOT his money, it is the children's money!