Needs

Fly by my seat here for a friend;)

Finally after years of anticipation, you finally come east for a visit.  We decide to meet at a bar near the hotel you are staying at.  I get to the bar and you are sitting in a booth, pint in hand.  You have not seen me yet so I stop and appreciate the view.  Pictures did not do you justice. You look comfortable.  You glance up and our eyes meet.  I grin, feeling shy now.  Did my pictures paint a pretty picture? I feel the attraction and immediately feel myself get wet.  Talk about a punch of lust to my gut.

interruptions are many today............continued.......

Our eyes are glued, I feel the heat so intense that I look away.  Why am I being so shy? My feet are frozen. He almost knows that I can't move.  I see him making his way towards me and next thing I know he has me in his arms.  I inhale and the scent of him makes me dizzy.  He pulls back and looks me in the eyes, says hi softly.  I am speechless at the moment.  He tells me I look beautiful and I blush.

He leads me to our booth.  I am shaking with my nervousness.

Survived Sandy and a Happy 35th birthday to me:)

Well pretty much surviving everything at the moment;)  Things are going well sans living with my FIL.  My Mom is finally going back to Florida on Sunday.  Once that happens I should have more time to post.
Things have been wellllllllllll hectic.
I mean he is evicted for the next year.  I have custody.  He has only seen them once since August.  He is not paying support.  I have gotten approved for daycare BUT the funding is on a wait list which can take up to 9 months to collect on. He is still living in a hotel.  I am on pussy lock down, living with my FIL.
Kids start daycare tomorrow, I called the center and explained my lack of funding.  So she listened to my story and said 140.00 a week, 1 full time 4 year old and 2 before/after school care.  Um DEAL!  That even includes drop in days!!  Wow there really are some nice people in this world!

Yes I am a survivor at the moment. 

I have had all sorts of people step up to the plate to help.  My old roomie came back for a week and slept on my couch.  He painted my entire downstairs.  Even made me leave the house to go out for drinks.

My parents helped out and painted too:)  Plus bought new drapes etc.  My house is coming together.

Then I started to say.......hey I have a libido....the naughty angel came out.  Wind up sext/texting an old friend............Yeah HAHAHA he came back for a visit a couple weeks ago.  I had some much needed fun. Though it left me starving for more. I want more of him.

Sooooooo here I am.  Doing okay.  I have all 4 of us going to weekly counseling sessions at the local domestic violence center once a week.  We seem to be making progress.

I am pretty sure I am filing for divorce come Jan.  I don't care what anyone says but even if he gets clean, he can go suck a bag of dicks.  I will never trust him again.  NEVER.

So it has been a whirl wind.  Hopefully once my Mom is gone I will be back around and posting here and there.  Even if it is just mindless rants and raves;)

Adjusting to a new life

Hello Everyone,

Yes it has been a while.  Long story short.  I have a PFA with eviction in place on my husband.  He crossed the line again.  I have 100% physical custody of our three children. The PFA lasts a year. The only way he can see me is through counselling. 
The PFA went into effect on 9/10. So far things have been a bit calmer in my house.  The kids are adjusting nicely.  They have hardly asked for him:(  So far they have not talked to him since right after the emergency PFA went to effect.  He basically got them on the phone and asked for me.
This is his chance to get his life back together.  I hope he takes it.  He did attempt suicide 3 times now and spent 3 days at a hospital in the ward.

Hope he gets his shit together.

Frustrated

I have had sex once since April.  I'm dying over here.  I have needs and wants.  Trying to be good.

Back to "normal"

My oh so wonderful world of normal.  He is sleeping, house is a fucking mess.  My FIL makes pudding leaves the dirty pan in the sink.  The kids want Daddy to tuck them in.  I calmly explain to them that Daddy is tired and sleeping already.

Please let this cycle change.  Please, I am trying my hardest to be patient.  I know its only been a week since we adjusted his meds but I am tired.  How come when you finally might see a light at the end of the tunnel, every little thing seems that much worse?  I mean he has been sleeping in the evenings for a couple of years now....not like one more night is going to make a difference.  I am paranoid that he won't get help.

His Dad said to me relax, everything is going to be ok.  I said "He needs to see a therapist."  He said relax don't worry about it.  I swear to God I am going to go the fuck off if he tells me to relax about it.  My FIL was there when the cops tried to convince me to file a PFA.  He agreed with them at the time.  What is with the change of heart T?  Do you not get that I have nothing in place to stop him from doing it again?  Do you get that I fear what will happen the next time?  Who is to blame ME???  Me because I didn't push for the therapist?  I feel like I am about to drown in anger towards this situation.  Does my hb think I will forget?  Does he think that just because he lowered his meds, it fixes the problem? 

NO YOU DOUCHE.  Ugh.  You went after me.  You attacked me and punched me.  You fucking punched me!!!  HOW DARE YOU? 

I just don't buy it. I just don't buy blaming the drugs for a man to flat out punch you. If I was drunk out of my mind I would know better than to cheat on you. If I was drunk out of my mind and killed someone......"oh my bad I was drunk?"....NO it doesn't matter how fucked up you were, something holds you back right? Right???  I hope........can pain meds really cause someone to be violent?  Or did he always have the potential in him?

vent over......Thursday.....thursday is the appt.  He acted like I wasn't going with him.  Someone needs to be honest and tell your doctor that you haven't called mental health. I am sorry that you are depressed but I need to make sure me and my kids are safe.  PERIOD end of story.

The more I fester thinking about all of this the more I feel like he pulled that suicide "attempt" out of his ass so I wouldn't go.  He never opened the patches.  Maybe I am bitch.........god I hope I am. I hope I am wrong and that drugs really can make you do fucked up shit. 

Patch change

Okay he is on second patch of 75 mcg instead of 100 mcg.  He seems more with it.  Up and off the couch.  Still feels like I am walking on egg shells.  So hard when even his Dad is questioning why he would need counselling.  GAAAAAAAAAAh fucktard.  You were not here.  Your son needs help.

On another note I woke up on the verge of orgasm.  Happens more and more the longer I go with out sex. Almost texted the man I was dreaming of, probably should have just to brighten my day a bit;)

Growing a pair

I guess you could say my need for survival is more important than his.  I can't stop him from killing himself but I can stop him from taking me down with him.  Right now day two of the 75 patch, he is only experiencing mild withdraw.  He did ask me for a percocet last night, I complied. He also seems to be tolerating the lowering of his lyrica.  He seems more with it.  More awake.

Last night I judged his mood and told him, that I have no guarantee's that lowering his medication will stop his outbursts of rage.  That he has until Thursday to call the mental health.  He is dragging his feet, I know it scares him to get a counsellor.  I even notified him that for all I know he is manipulating the situation, that he thinks it has blown over.  That he doesn't need to talk to someone.  I told him I will tell his doctor on Thursday.  I will not lie for him. 

I know going to see someone can be scary and daunting.  Just do it.  Otherwise you really don't want to get well.  I can't stick around for the next round of violence.  Do it for your kids and take the leap of faith that someone can help you.

Part of me wonders if he does have an under lining mental illness that was starting to show prior to the injury. 

I have no ideal where WE stand as husband and wife.  Right now, we are co-parenting.  We co-parent well most times.  We haven't really slept in the same bed for 2 years.  We have sporadically but it never lasts.

I just feel like he could never let me go.  Even if letting me go is the right thing to do, his selfish ways would hold on, just so no one else can have me.  While I am still in love with parts of him, if he isn't happy I would gladly step aside so he could find happiness.  Why suffer, you only live once. I did bring this up after our last blow up. 

So for now I do have to play bad cop. I hold the percocets.  He has to ask for them.  He also has to deal with the shame of doing what he did.  Unfortunately due to social networking everyone knows.  He can't act like no one knows. He is already avoiding going to my neighbors barbecue this afternoon.  Thankfully he did leave with his Dad.  Hopefully they can have a talk. His father has been living with us since Dec.  His Dad is a life saver in so many ways.  He cooks and he has been the one watching the kids while I am at work.  I have so many support systems in place.  I can leave and go just about any where.  If I do leave and he stalks, I have places he will never even think about me going to.  I have a network of friends who can fly me out of state if need be.  Just pray he gets help.

My thoughts, my life, my feelings all over the place in complete chaous.

It has been a crazy ride

I don't even know where to start.  I just know that I need to vent. I don't know if I will update much but need a place to just be honest.

After months of him trying to accidentally overdose and me begging him to take his medication correctly, we might have started the process of getting him help.

He came after me on Tuesday.  He went after my son and I got in between.  He 100% crossed the line.  My pitbull bit him and he went after her.  He was a mad man.  I tried to leave and he took my keys.  Locked me out of the house.  I called the police.  He rolled through the neighborhood as the police came and they pursued him.  He got about a half a mile away and tried to run.  The police pulled guns and made him lay down on the ground.  They allowed him back in the house to get some things.  When they did that he grabbed extra pain patches, checked into a hotel and was about to attempt suicide.  He posted a fucking picture on facebook of beer, lyrica, anti depressants and 2 (3 day pain patches).  I had police dispatched.  They checked on him every hour on the hour. 

We are lowering his meds now.  He was supposed to call behaviour help, he did not and lied to his doctor.  He told her he called yesterday.

He is acting like he wants help but is dragging his feet.  I want to help him but my safety comes first as well as my children. I feel like he manipulated the situation to say all the right things so I would not file a PFA.  So I would not make him leave and not be able to see the children.  Not be able to live in the house. 

Everyone keeps on blaming the drugs.  I am not sure I am buying it.  He went and opened up more credit cards.  His balance is over 40k.  A couple of months ago right before our 10th anniversary, we had a blow out.  I gave him back my rings. He all of a sudden had a change of heart and wooed me back in.  I think he figured out that he couldn't afford the house with out me.  He made an effort and is reverting back to his old ways. 

I will NOT be a victim.

I know I bounced and deleted my blog but I things were going so well with my husband that I did not want him to see what I had been doing online.

I am oddly calm about this drama in my life.  I feel like it is the start of change.  He needs help.  He has problems that I can't fix.  Who cares about our marriage at this point, the man supposedly was about to take his life.  Lets stop the father of my children from hurting himself. Though I am guarded, guarded that he is just saying all the right things.