Back to "normal"

My oh so wonderful world of normal.  He is sleeping, house is a fucking mess.  My FIL makes pudding leaves the dirty pan in the sink.  The kids want Daddy to tuck them in.  I calmly explain to them that Daddy is tired and sleeping already.

Please let this cycle change.  Please, I am trying my hardest to be patient.  I know its only been a week since we adjusted his meds but I am tired.  How come when you finally might see a light at the end of the tunnel, every little thing seems that much worse?  I mean he has been sleeping in the evenings for a couple of years now....not like one more night is going to make a difference.  I am paranoid that he won't get help.

His Dad said to me relax, everything is going to be ok.  I said "He needs to see a therapist."  He said relax don't worry about it.  I swear to God I am going to go the fuck off if he tells me to relax about it.  My FIL was there when the cops tried to convince me to file a PFA.  He agreed with them at the time.  What is with the change of heart T?  Do you not get that I have nothing in place to stop him from doing it again?  Do you get that I fear what will happen the next time?  Who is to blame ME???  Me because I didn't push for the therapist?  I feel like I am about to drown in anger towards this situation.  Does my hb think I will forget?  Does he think that just because he lowered his meds, it fixes the problem? 

NO YOU DOUCHE.  Ugh.  You went after me.  You attacked me and punched me.  You fucking punched me!!!  HOW DARE YOU? 

I just don't buy it. I just don't buy blaming the drugs for a man to flat out punch you. If I was drunk out of my mind I would know better than to cheat on you. If I was drunk out of my mind and killed someone......"oh my bad I was drunk?"....NO it doesn't matter how fucked up you were, something holds you back right? Right???  I hope........can pain meds really cause someone to be violent?  Or did he always have the potential in him?

vent over......Thursday.....thursday is the appt.  He acted like I wasn't going with him.  Someone needs to be honest and tell your doctor that you haven't called mental health. I am sorry that you are depressed but I need to make sure me and my kids are safe.  PERIOD end of story.

The more I fester thinking about all of this the more I feel like he pulled that suicide "attempt" out of his ass so I wouldn't go.  He never opened the patches.  Maybe I am bitch.........god I hope I am. I hope I am wrong and that drugs really can make you do fucked up shit.