Growing a pair

I guess you could say my need for survival is more important than his.  I can't stop him from killing himself but I can stop him from taking me down with him.  Right now day two of the 75 patch, he is only experiencing mild withdraw.  He did ask me for a percocet last night, I complied. He also seems to be tolerating the lowering of his lyrica.  He seems more with it.  More awake.

Last night I judged his mood and told him, that I have no guarantee's that lowering his medication will stop his outbursts of rage.  That he has until Thursday to call the mental health.  He is dragging his feet, I know it scares him to get a counsellor.  I even notified him that for all I know he is manipulating the situation, that he thinks it has blown over.  That he doesn't need to talk to someone.  I told him I will tell his doctor on Thursday.  I will not lie for him. 

I know going to see someone can be scary and daunting.  Just do it.  Otherwise you really don't want to get well.  I can't stick around for the next round of violence.  Do it for your kids and take the leap of faith that someone can help you.

Part of me wonders if he does have an under lining mental illness that was starting to show prior to the injury. 

I have no ideal where WE stand as husband and wife.  Right now, we are co-parenting.  We co-parent well most times.  We haven't really slept in the same bed for 2 years.  We have sporadically but it never lasts.

I just feel like he could never let me go.  Even if letting me go is the right thing to do, his selfish ways would hold on, just so no one else can have me.  While I am still in love with parts of him, if he isn't happy I would gladly step aside so he could find happiness.  Why suffer, you only live once. I did bring this up after our last blow up. 

So for now I do have to play bad cop. I hold the percocets.  He has to ask for them.  He also has to deal with the shame of doing what he did.  Unfortunately due to social networking everyone knows.  He can't act like no one knows. He is already avoiding going to my neighbors barbecue this afternoon.  Thankfully he did leave with his Dad.  Hopefully they can have a talk. His father has been living with us since Dec.  His Dad is a life saver in so many ways.  He cooks and he has been the one watching the kids while I am at work.  I have so many support systems in place.  I can leave and go just about any where.  If I do leave and he stalks, I have places he will never even think about me going to.  I have a network of friends who can fly me out of state if need be.  Just pray he gets help.

My thoughts, my life, my feelings all over the place in complete chaous.