Shit Day

So I went to court house only to find out that I can't get an extension on the Protection Order with out a lawyer.  I think that is just bullshit.  If you are able to represent yourself in court why can't you print a form and file it yourself?  The only thing I could do was file for a PFA in a lower court 24 hour one, then go to the bigger court for a 10 day one with a hearing.  Then ask judge to grant me a 1-3 year one.  So 3 more days of hearings???  So I was on the phone trying to figure out how to get it done. The original lawyer is out on vacation. UGH! So I wait.

I had an interesting question via email.  I was asked why I am not dating and trying to find a replacement father for my children.

What is the current divorce rate?  At least 50% right?  The rate for a second divorce even higher.  I believe that most people who rush back into a relationship do not take the time to fix themselves and fall victim to the same pattern again.  I am not willing to do that.  As much as I hate being "alone", I rather fix myself first.  Not saying I am fucked up ( well yeah I am just a bit) but I do struggle with myself imagine ALL.THE.TIME.  If/when I start dating again I need to be comfortable in my own skin again.  I need to not be afraid of me.  I need to not be dependent on someone else to make me happy.  What good am I to someone else if I can't love myself.  I do struggle with that.  I still have my good days and bad days.  I feel like at times I am unworthy.  That I don't deserve someone who could treat me well.  The honest to God truth.  I have more up days than down days now.  The longer I survive on my own the longer I see myself. 

Yes I want sex but I don't want the relationship yet.  I am not ready for that emotionally.  I want to be 100% happy and comfortable in my own skin before I take the leap.

You claimed my life would be easier if I had someone here living with me to shoulder the burden.  I do not agree 100%.  Yes it would be easier if I had a father figure for my children.  Yes I wouldn't be the only one cleaning, paying bills and taking off work every time they get sick.  I was doing this anyway when I was married.  It is easier now "alone" than with a half ass partner who didn't give a shit.Yes I have practically run out of vacation days already.  Yes money is tight but you know what I am free at the moment and that is what counts.  My happiness is what I make it.

Today was one of those days where I was on the verge of tears.  The disappointment that I got from family court saying I can't get the extension.  Then I went to the law library to come up empty handed.  If I was in Philadelphia County I could have done it myself.  I do not think I have cried since I figured out he ripped my wedding dress in half, left used condoms in a box with my wedding garter.  I mean I haven't really cried in a long time yet almost did.  I don't know something is wrong when you just want to sob and you can't.  So yeah I have a long way to go with myself.  I shouldn't be ashamed to cry when I need to.  I at some point I have to let the tears flow.  I need to just let it go.

Fuck me

Yeah pretty much.  Maybe a random fuck would make me feel better.  Life just needs a pick me up. Or maybe just to be held.  Or maybe an orgasm or three......................gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. 

To YOU.  You know who you are.

  As much as I try to stay positive it boils down to YOU and the strange spin you put me on.  FWIW you did make the right choice though sending that email and then proceeding to delete that email account after you poured out your heart............sucks because I can't respond to you.  You made the right choice.  Your last paragraph, what did you expect me to do? Live your life.  Reconcile I never asked for anything more.  Love HER!  Love her with all your heart!  Do it for your children.  I truly am happy for you.  You are right..............the last paragraph.

I am stressed beyond....though coping.  I now have 2 court dates next week.  My hopefully stbx had his violation hearing.  6 month probation and anger management. 

Custody hearing next week on the 13th which of course scares the crap out of me.  I am torn.  My children miss him and love him.  It has been 10 months since they have had contact.  Breaks my heart that they miss him so much.  At the same time I am selfish b/c he shouldn't be able to see them!  Not if in my heart I feel like they are just a dollar amount.

So I have the exclusion from the property hearing on the 16th now as well!  My 3000.00 retainer is gone that my parents paid.  I feel bad asking for more money so I will pay the 128.00 I owe.  Then ask for a payment plan. The two hearings next week looking at the bill should be about another 2000.00.

I need my vacation.  I need I need I need....SEX.....frustrated.

Is it so bad I just want to lose myself in sex with someone other than myself?  That I want to just be wanted and reciprocate?  Wrap my lips around cock? 

I am so ready for school to start!  I am worn thin with the daily routine.  I feel like a robot.  I feel withdrawn.  I don't know what I want except to be done with seeing him.  I hate that I saw him on Friday.  I hate that now I have to see him 2 times next week and possibly again next week.  I am going to the court house tomorrow to extend the PFA.

I swear I am about to tap out 401k and say take the money.  Sign off your kids and go.  I don't care about the money because you will NOT break them. 

Scared, lost, sexually frustrated, bitchy needy ANGRY...........you name it.

All over the place and one of the ones which I will wind up deleting at some point.