Okay yes I'm in a bit of hermit mode aka depression funk...whatever you want to call it. Halfway done the divorce paperwork, finishing up tomorrow with my neighbor who is graciously helping me out. Hopefully he will just sign the papers. I doubt he will but at least I haven't paid for a lawyer yet. I can still get one if he does not agree.
I have been keeping myself busy with kid stuff.
I winded up stopping by unannounced to see someone who I consider a father figure in my life. I used to go and hang out with him and help run "the shop" while I waited for my ride home from work. K. is an amazing person who is very business savy and so much worldly knowledge. He knew about the separation and knew that something crazy must have happened. He said everything that I needed to hear today. I swear I should just go see him instead of my counsellor. He has so much knowledge when it comes to addiction, divorce, all kinds of things.
He knows my husband well. I guess I never knew how many people were out there watching from afar wondering what the last straw was going to be. He gets me, he really does. He said he wanted to tell me to run a really long time ago but it was my choice to stay.
On another note, you know how I like to distract myself from my own drama.........lol I finally accepted a date with, lets call him Starbucks guy. Yeah he has been ogling me for a while, aka couple of years. Hot guy, looks good in a suit and I was pretty sure he owned the Cayenne that I always see in the parking lot. He would buy me a cup of coffee here and there, polite flirts etc. I did agree to go out to lunch with him. Yeah we have NOTHING in common well except divorce. I think I would have had more of an interest in him except he was an ass to the waitress, flinched away from a toddler at the restaurant, very materialistic......yeah been there done that not interested. If I were in his field I think I would be helping more people instead of building an empire. I rather be with someone who is broke and compassionate, than one who brags about how much he charges insurances companies for his services rendered. No wonder why he is divorced twice. Yes he spoke of his exes and how horrible they were. So thankfully he did talk about himself the entire time:) HAHAHA I was kinda on the fence about what to tell someone, never once did he ask about me:)
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
Been one of those weeks
Last week in family counselling, my daughter revealed that DH, chased her around the house with an airsoft gun over the summer and shot her in the knee. I was shocked, angry with him and angry with myself . Angry at myself that my kids did not feel safe to open up to me until now. Angry that this is just coming up. If I would have known then I would have had them listed individually on the PFA. I know you can't blame yourself for something that you had no control over but still I am their Mother. Why didn't my intuition kick in? Yes he was verbally abusive to me but I have no idea the scope of the abuse that went on towards my children. It hurts to see my kids hurt.
Yesterday I heard from my husband via an email. I had applied for the children's social security income and got approved. He lost their money this month. He sent me a sob email, wanting the money back. I did not respond. I just don't care what happens to him. I really don't at this point. I think I finally understand what hate means. I think for once I am capable of hating someone. I hate him that I still fear him. I hate him that I still have nightmares of him punching himself in the face, then telling me he was going to break my jaw. I hate him for spitting on me. I loathe him. I HATE HIM FOR what he has done to my kids. I hate that I stared at my computer screen, scared to open the email. How do I get rid of the fear? How does one simple email dredge up all these emotions so quickly and fiercely?
Saturday I had to call Child Protection Services on my husband, they came out on Sunday assessed the situation. Then my intake case worker came out for a visit last night. He was very kind and I feel handled the kids like a pro. By law he has to go see my hb and let him know about investigation.
So now I sit here and wait. Wait to see if my hb dares to contact me again. Wait to see if he flips out and sends me an email once the case worker visits him.
I have no idea what to expect. I don't know if they will bring up charges against him. I say throw his ass in jail and let him rot. After all this time he still has power over me and I can't stand that.
Yesterday I heard from my husband via an email. I had applied for the children's social security income and got approved. He lost their money this month. He sent me a sob email, wanting the money back. I did not respond. I just don't care what happens to him. I really don't at this point. I think I finally understand what hate means. I think for once I am capable of hating someone. I hate him that I still fear him. I hate him that I still have nightmares of him punching himself in the face, then telling me he was going to break my jaw. I hate him for spitting on me. I loathe him. I HATE HIM FOR what he has done to my kids. I hate that I stared at my computer screen, scared to open the email. How do I get rid of the fear? How does one simple email dredge up all these emotions so quickly and fiercely?
Saturday I had to call Child Protection Services on my husband, they came out on Sunday assessed the situation. Then my intake case worker came out for a visit last night. He was very kind and I feel handled the kids like a pro. By law he has to go see my hb and let him know about investigation.
So now I sit here and wait. Wait to see if my hb dares to contact me again. Wait to see if he flips out and sends me an email once the case worker visits him.
I have no idea what to expect. I don't know if they will bring up charges against him. I say throw his ass in jail and let him rot. After all this time he still has power over me and I can't stand that.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
It is a NEW YEAR:)
It is a New Year. I have some new goals in life too:) More short term goals.
Meet Lawyer and file. (Still haven't met with my lawyer but most definitely need to and soon. I just want this divorce done and over with.)
Be more honest with myself and my feelings. Too many times I bit my tongue and bury feelings. Or I almost express myself and hold back. Maybe it is fear of being disagreed with or rejection. For too long I had someone telling me how I should feel instead of saying hold up, back up I feel xyz. A lot of times I listen and then wait, then bring up when I think the timing is right. *eye roll* I need to stop that! It doesn't do me any good to appease anyone.
Love more freely. I really need to embrace life for what it is. We only live once. Sometimes we have to take risks to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
More ME TIME. I need to put my needs first:) If Mom is happy so are her children.
Long term goals.
Set aside a percentage of the kids money for their college. I already have separate bank accounts for them. So just a matter of catching up a bit then planning.
Figure out who I am. I know I am a mother, friend, lover, etc. I just don't know what my purpose is in life. Where my home is. What I should be doing. I need to figure all that out. Yes I have a full time job that I make good money at BUT part of me wants to go to Florida. My Dad was talking about buying a business and having me manage it. Whether it be retail or restaurant, hell I was thinking maybe even a rental company for beach equipment near the beach. Most of the time businesses fail when they have bad placement or bad management:) I also already have contacts in the Tampa Area.
Start saving for me. I want to travel someday. Hopefully at the point I have someone to call my own to travel with me. Someone who is a true partner who loves me as much as I love them. Someday I want to be healed enough to be loved and love someone else freely. I mean I love but most times I don't express that enough, especially if I don't want to be rejected. I want to settle down with someone but not in the same place. I guess I feel like I am a drifter stuck in one state. So much to see love and experience in life.
4 months of counselling under my belt and I feel good. Yes I still have needs but I hold them closer to me now. Not letting my inner whore come out to play except with close friends I trust. Inner whore certainly wants to fuck and be fucked, she is just really selective right now.
I feel like I have grown as a women. I see what I have to offer to someone in life. I see what my children have to offer.
I am trying to relax and let myself shine. Let the cards fall where they will. For a while there I was in self pity mode.
It has been a bit of a challenge being both mother and father to my children. DH still has not applied for custody. I do not anticipate that he will. The children do know he is NOT coming back. That has been hard for them.
I did apply for his social security benefits and have already received checks the beginning of this month. I am scared because I know he doesn't not find out until tonight/tomorrow. I have this nervous ball in my stomach. At least I already have a PFA in place. I just worry that him losing 1/3 of his money with no notice will tip him over into the darkness. I really am freaked the fuck out about it. I am walking around acting like it isn't bothering me but this time tomorrow, I could be a target.
I do have a friend coming up hopefully to visit. Hopefully he will be here tomorrow. If not, I might just bite the bullet and go stay at a friends house if need be with the kids. I still don't feel safe about DH's actions and what they may be. Even though it is NOT his money, it is the children's money!
Meet Lawyer and file. (Still haven't met with my lawyer but most definitely need to and soon. I just want this divorce done and over with.)
Be more honest with myself and my feelings. Too many times I bit my tongue and bury feelings. Or I almost express myself and hold back. Maybe it is fear of being disagreed with or rejection. For too long I had someone telling me how I should feel instead of saying hold up, back up I feel xyz. A lot of times I listen and then wait, then bring up when I think the timing is right. *eye roll* I need to stop that! It doesn't do me any good to appease anyone.
Love more freely. I really need to embrace life for what it is. We only live once. Sometimes we have to take risks to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
More ME TIME. I need to put my needs first:) If Mom is happy so are her children.
Long term goals.
Set aside a percentage of the kids money for their college. I already have separate bank accounts for them. So just a matter of catching up a bit then planning.
Figure out who I am. I know I am a mother, friend, lover, etc. I just don't know what my purpose is in life. Where my home is. What I should be doing. I need to figure all that out. Yes I have a full time job that I make good money at BUT part of me wants to go to Florida. My Dad was talking about buying a business and having me manage it. Whether it be retail or restaurant, hell I was thinking maybe even a rental company for beach equipment near the beach. Most of the time businesses fail when they have bad placement or bad management:) I also already have contacts in the Tampa Area.
Start saving for me. I want to travel someday. Hopefully at the point I have someone to call my own to travel with me. Someone who is a true partner who loves me as much as I love them. Someday I want to be healed enough to be loved and love someone else freely. I mean I love but most times I don't express that enough, especially if I don't want to be rejected. I want to settle down with someone but not in the same place. I guess I feel like I am a drifter stuck in one state. So much to see love and experience in life.
4 months of counselling under my belt and I feel good. Yes I still have needs but I hold them closer to me now. Not letting my inner whore come out to play except with close friends I trust. Inner whore certainly wants to fuck and be fucked, she is just really selective right now.
I feel like I have grown as a women. I see what I have to offer to someone in life. I see what my children have to offer.
I am trying to relax and let myself shine. Let the cards fall where they will. For a while there I was in self pity mode.
It has been a bit of a challenge being both mother and father to my children. DH still has not applied for custody. I do not anticipate that he will. The children do know he is NOT coming back. That has been hard for them.
I did apply for his social security benefits and have already received checks the beginning of this month. I am scared because I know he doesn't not find out until tonight/tomorrow. I have this nervous ball in my stomach. At least I already have a PFA in place. I just worry that him losing 1/3 of his money with no notice will tip him over into the darkness. I really am freaked the fuck out about it. I am walking around acting like it isn't bothering me but this time tomorrow, I could be a target.
I do have a friend coming up hopefully to visit. Hopefully he will be here tomorrow. If not, I might just bite the bullet and go stay at a friends house if need be with the kids. I still don't feel safe about DH's actions and what they may be. Even though it is NOT his money, it is the children's money!
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