It is a NEW YEAR:)

It is a New Year. I have some new goals in life too:)  More short term goals. 

Meet Lawyer and file.   (Still haven't met with my lawyer but most definitely need to and soon.  I just want this divorce done and over with.)

Be more honest with myself and my feelings.  Too many times I bit my tongue and bury feelings. Or I almost express myself and hold back.  Maybe it is fear of being disagreed with or rejection.  For too long  I had someone telling me how I should feel instead of saying hold up, back up I feel xyz.  A lot of times I listen and then wait, then bring up when I think the timing is right. *eye roll* I need to stop that! It doesn't do me any good to appease anyone.

Love more freely.  I really need to embrace life for what it is. We only live once.  Sometimes we have to take risks to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

More ME TIME. I need to put my needs first:)  If Mom is happy so are her children.

Long term goals.

Set aside a percentage of the kids money for their college.  I already have separate bank accounts for them. So just a matter of catching up a bit then planning.

Figure out who I am.  I know I am a mother, friend, lover, etc.  I just don't know what my purpose is in life.  Where my home is.  What I should be doing.  I need to figure all that out. Yes I have a full time job that I make good money at BUT part of me wants to go to Florida.  My Dad was talking about buying a business and having me manage it.  Whether it be retail or restaurant, hell I was thinking maybe even a rental company for beach equipment near the beach.  Most of the time businesses fail when they have bad placement or bad management:) I also already have contacts in the Tampa Area.

Start saving for me.  I want to travel someday. Hopefully at the point I have someone to call my own to travel with me.  Someone who is a true partner who loves me as much as I love them.  Someday I want to be healed enough to be loved and love someone else freely. I mean I love but most times I don't express that enough, especially if I don't want to be rejected.   I want to settle down with someone but not in the same place.  I guess I feel like I am a drifter stuck in one state.  So much to see love and experience in life.


4 months of counselling under my belt and I feel good.  Yes I still have needs but I hold them closer to me now.  Not letting my inner whore come out to play except with close friends I trust.  Inner whore certainly wants to fuck and be fucked, she is just really selective right now. 

I feel like I have grown as a women.  I see what I have to offer to someone in life.  I see what my children have to offer. 

I am trying to relax and let myself shine.  Let the cards fall where they will.  For a while there I was in self pity mode.

It has been a bit of a challenge being both mother and father to my children.  DH still has not applied for custody.  I do not anticipate that he will. The children do know he is NOT coming back.  That has been hard for them.

I did apply for his social security benefits and have already received checks the beginning of this month.  I am scared because I know he doesn't not find out until tonight/tomorrow.  I have this nervous ball in my stomach.  At least I already have a PFA in place.  I just worry that him losing 1/3 of his money with no notice will tip him over into the darkness.  I really am freaked the fuck out about it.  I am walking around acting like it isn't bothering me but this time tomorrow, I could be a target.

I do have a friend coming up hopefully to visit.  Hopefully he will be here tomorrow.  If not, I might just bite the bullet and go stay at a friends house if need be with the kids.  I still don't feel safe about DH's actions and what they may be.  Even though it is NOT his money, it is the children's money!