I'm ready

I'm ready to put myself on pussy lock down. I dunno hard to explain but my travels proved to me how easy it would be to go out and have meaningless sex. I was kissed by a man who I had hours of conversation with thought he was pretty nice.I balked on letting him in my room...despite the attraction. The next morning I see him waiting for the shuttle to the airport with one very hung over women. It was his girl friend or wife ugh I hate being the other women.
I'm the other women in so many factions, to so many people. I don't want to be second best,I want to be first. I don't want a meaningless fuck.I think I'm ready to to love again and be loved.
Some might think it is too soon but if you look at how long I faked my marriage, I know that I'm ready. I have goals, I want a bigger family. I want to experience a life where two people are in it together for the greater good. I want to foster children or adopt.
Right now being a single mother I still "foster"other children, one comes with me everywhere. I love her like she is my own, her mother is so checked out she is amazing. I feel like I could really do some good.
Fate will ultimately decide but I hope it happens sooner than later. If not I'm okay. I really do have an amazingly life at present. My state dictates that I can't foster unless I have a spouse but hey if it is not meant to be it isn't meant to be.
I guess I'm okay being single soon to be divorced but sexless by choice. I can't settle for anything less.

Excited

For so long I held myself back in my life. I was not willing to travel for my company and feel like i missed out on so much. My Mom is in town and I get to go to Atlanta on Monday then return Tuesday late. I have never been to Georgia. I have worked with this company for twelve years now and things are just starting to get interesting;)

Now let's just say a little prayer for no snow for the Philly area Monday. I need this trip, granted it's a short one but I really need a night away in a hotel.

Mondays meeting ends at 3 pm. Dinner isn't until 7 pm so I have booked myself a massage and will hopefully squeeze in a nap.

All you people with no kids have it easy, I'm lucky if I can shower without interruptions.....so send some no snow vibes my way!!! I really need to treat myself to a weekend away.  Some where with sand between my toes and a nice tub.  Sure a partner in crime would be fun, someone to have my way with in bed maybe I just need a room with a man!  HA!

dreams

I keep on having a reoccurring dream. In this dream I am lying on crisp white sheets, naked, aroused with a man who has brown hair, hazel eyes and he gazes up to me, mouth poised above my mound. I feel his breath on my clit, he is about to go to town on me. My hands quickly push him down begging him to taste me as my hips lift. Fuck ,then I wake up on the verge of an orgasm. I keep having this dream over and over can't quite make out his face. sometimes it flashes to him coming up my body after I've cum kissing me hard as I taste myself on his tongue pinning my arms above my head as he slowly pushes himself inside me.....gaaaaaah...why can't it be real.....

Old Flames

A friends with benefits I had right as I met my husband bumped into me yesterday. If I want to be 100% honest I hooked up with him once or twice before my husband and I got engaged. He came up behind me and whispered in my ear "I still remember the taste of your pussy." OMG yeah some women might find that too forward but I just about melted.  I am on the fence.  While I would love to go back to where we left off I am torn.  I mean he ate a mean pussy.  Probably the best I have had to be honest.  The draw back is we never had sex.  He doesn't do sex.  I remember him cumming just from pleasuring me but the few times I reached for him, he stopped me.  Sex just isn't his thing AT ALL.  He gets nothing from it.  He doesn't like receiving.  I like giving and receiving.  He likes giving and watching.  He gets off on sharing his women.  He likes to watch his significant other have sex with other men. Ben (fwb's) was overwhelming to my senses but willingly to let me be who I was at the time.  I guess we hooked up on and off over a couple year span and it was fun.  Sheesh the orgasms were amazing:)  I still remember having to tap out and say I am done............enough!  LOL
Yes I have a fantasy about being with two men.  Yes this would be an opportunity to fulfill that fantasy as well.

35 year old women and what almost halfway through my sex life.  Yeah I want more sex but at what cost?  I settled for my husband.  I really did.  So fuck that shit!  I am not willing to settle. At the same time I have some needs and nothing better than good oral right?  See torn between old ways of feeling wanted but not willing to give my heart up.  Ben really really liked me part of the reason why I pushed him away.  I definitely know I can't settle for oral sex only.  Then again I could just take the pleasure again.   

I am just in a spot in my life where I want to go out and have fun BUT part of me wants to have someone by my side.  Someone who feels lucky to be with me and I feel lucky to be with them.
I can sit here and reflect back on my life and freely admit that I have never had a healthy relationship.  I really want that experience someday!  I know that sounds like a silly thing to say but it is on my bucket list.  HAHA Seems 90% of the men I meet are assholes and married. 

So he has my email and we will see what I decide.  Maybe the no sex rule is off the table.  Maybe it could be a fun way to pass time but again at what cost?  I am not ready for a relationship, I need to get through my divorce and fix myself. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.