Been a while

Life is still trucking along.  Let's see the protection order expired 9/11/13.  He finally saw the kids again beginning of October.  He can't not keep on the 8 weeks of supervised.  He has seen them maybe 6 times.  First day was 6 hours, then it was 3 hours, then 2 hours, a couple 30 min visits here and there.

Long story short, the man is using meth presently.  Pretty much if he is being nice to me he is on it.  I see two sides of him, asshole Andy and the some what sane person. He has decided probation is not on his list of things to do and decided to not see his PO anymore.  He does currently have a bench warrant out on him.  He saw the kids briefly to get some stuff out of the house last night and now I am paying the price. Part of the settlement in the divorce was me getting his car up to date.  Now he has a inspected car and supposedly plans on running out of the state to avoid jail. Tonight he is thankful it is warm enough for him to sleep in his car.  *sigh* Sorry I can't help you.

 The kids miss him, they are angry they do not know the next time they will see him.   I am the only who stopped the custody.  I said handle the bench warrant first.  He doesn't want to go to jail.  Well I don't want the kids to see you get arrested.

Although........if they did see him get arrested at least I could come clean.  My gut tells me that at some point they need to know the truth.  9, 7. 5 year old my babies, how do I tell them Daddy is a drug addict who is just buying time until he dies or goes to jail.  For now I will "cover up" the real issue and not tell the full truth.  Daddy doesn't feel well. ugh.

Seems like things were going really well until he popped back into the picture.  I don't want to co-parent.  I just want him to go away:(  This sucks.  Winter sucks.  Not enough sunlight for me.  I turn into a hermit.  I don't answer emails, sorry.  I am unmotivated and if I could stay under the covers all day long I would yet I try my hardest to get up each day put a smile on my face, remind my kids of the simple joys in life.  I just feel like I have lost myself, the maze I am walking around is painful and unforgiving.  I need to make it out of this fog and find myself.  Fake it until you make it right?  I hope someday I look back on this and say wow dark times but I made it!

I'll be okay tomorrow and not so dark and gloomy.  The repercussions of them seeing their Father is staggering in intensity.  The anger just boils over in my son.  He just is so mad at his Dad.  Apprehensive in even greeting his Dad.

I have a hard time NOT helping him.  I am getting better about the codependency though.  I have learned boundaries and how to set them.  Sometimes it just takes me twice as long to set them as someone who is more secure in themselves.

All those emails, I am not going to be able to respond.