Did we start to blog because we had so much we wanted to say and couldn't say to our SO?
I know 7 of us now that are getting divorced. I guess it saddens me that so many of us have to go through the process. Once we make it through life will be better. Some of you have to worry about custody, alimony, selling your house etc etc. HUGE life changes but we will make it to the other side:) I am thinking about you.
The ninety day wait was up for me here in PA. I filed the motion to go forward with the divorce just waiting to find out if the judge needs anything else. I could not turn in my settlement request because my husband has not signed off on it. Not sure where he is at the moment. I just want to be free of him. Break all ties. I know that I can never truly break free but hell I can try!
Okay I have had quite a few emails with people reaching out to me, some ARE currently in abusive relationships. Some of you are reaching out with words of encouragement saying you have been there done that. I truly do appreciate it. I am in NO POSITION to offer anyone help on domestic violence situations nor am I trained professional in the matter. I am still healing and slowly making the climb back up my mountain. I will NOT offer advice nor will I help you. You need to help yourself and the first thing you can do is call the domestic violence hotline at the end of this post.
Here is a little bit of my story for those of you reaching out. If you think you may be in an abusive relationship get help from a professional NOT ME!
I guess what I am thinking is that for me, looking back, I started blogging because deep down inside a voice was telling me I was done with my marriage. I just did not have the courage that I needed to end it. I had this overwhelming urge to try to fix a man who didn't want the help. I first started blogging about my "so called marriage" 4 years ago. I used you all as a sounding board. Some of you I emailed telling you in detail about some of the abuse asking if I asked for it, or if they would ever do something like that. I thought I pushed him too far by giving back my rings, telling him I was done, asking for an open marriage, taking away his credit cards etc. Of course someone would get angry and threaten you right? NO not right. No one should EVER make you feel unsafe. No one should ever make you walk on egg shells or be quiet in your house because he wants to sleep all day. Don't wake Daddy up, he will be angry. Very angry.
I have a lot of women who email me asking me about emotional abuse vs physical abuse. The emotional abuse was 95% of the abuse for me. Though I know deep down inside the physical abuse was going to get worse. The first couple times he would get mad and something would be thrown, the one time it hit me in the face. I denied that it happened, said no he could not have thrown that at me. Then second time was the big one that he went after my son for coming down from time out too early, he went after my son and I went after my husband to pull him off my son. He punched me in leg. I still tried to help the man and went to his doctor I was still willing to blame his medications because I was scared of divorce.
The last time was the straw that broke the camel's back. I drew the line at physical abuse but I should have drawn the line with the emotional abuse. I got the PFA(protection from abuse) put into effect which was scary as all hell but necessary.
Bruises can heal but sometimes the emotional abuse lingers. You question yourself, your insecurities rear their ugly head but you keep on fighting for a better life. If you are a women who is suffering from emotional abuse seek professional help contact a local domestic violence shelter and get in counselling. I had the phone number hidden in my cell phone because I knew he was going to cross the line at some point. Get the help you need or at least find out what your options are. No one should stay in an abusive relationship. There is help out there for you. This is for a few of you I have gotten emails from. My gmail account is not my primary email, I don't check it as often as I should. Just if you think you might need help, I can't help you, I am not a professional. I keep repeating myself I know but I have had so many reach out to me. I just can't be involved. My only advice to you is contact a local domestic violence center.
SAFETY ALERT!
Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer, and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) orTTY 1−800−787−3224.
http://www.thehotline.org/ Domestic Violence Website with hotline.
People reach out to people who have been there, done that, because sometimes the professional are all book work. They haven't been on the end of emotion abuse, nor a punch in the face. I remember going to a marriage counselor many moons ago. She went at me aggressively as soon as I sat down. When I got tired of her angry questions, I let her know we weren't there because of me. Her whole attitude changed when she directed her questions to my spouse. When we walked out her office, I said "man hater" loud enough for the counselor to hear me. My spouse did all she could not to laugh out loud. We end up working it out ourself. But you are right to direct everyone to a professional. They just have to listen to know if they have the right person for them. And they shouldn't be afraid to ask for someone else, if you feel they aren't helping you..
ReplyDeleteI agree that you do need to find the right counselor. My father in law was the victim of physical abuse from his current wife so it happens as well. At times I think we all could use some anger management course!
ReplyDeleteYes people do reach out to people who have been there done that, I get that, I just worry about the ones who aren't reaching out too. You figure for every 5 emails I get about domestic violence you have women OR MEN who sit silently not saying a word. I can lend an ear but I can't shoulder anyone right now. Maybe they just need a place to start! :)
Thank you. Thank you for not judging me for staying, thank you for knowing that when the time is right I will know when to leave and most importantly thank you for just listening to me. It is just so hard when you are a stay at home mother with no income to even think about leaving. Jill
ReplyDeleteJill it wouldn't hurt to call and see what they can offer. I know here in my state they have undisclosed locations that you can move into with your children. They help you get back on your feet and they have legal aid. Be careful and be safe.
DeleteAngel, I can't seem to call you naughty. I don't know if you read my email but my husband too threatens suicide every time I try to leave him or tell him I want to leave. It is so hard. It is nice to see someone who has overcome so much and CAN make it without the poison. Thank you for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteBeth
Beth,
DeleteI too have dealt with the suicide threats:( It makes it really hard. It is just another way for them to try to wield power over us. GL
My 1st husband I divorced,and you will find someone someday. Look to the ones who have stuck by you and cared. I wound up marrying one of the men from my wedding party. He is so loving and caring. I never knew what is was like to be in a true relationship until we got together. Romance is alive still to this day. My first husband was very verbally abusive c***, Whore, bitch you name it I have been called it. I am 5 years into my 2nd marriage now. It took me 5 years to be able to consider marrying him. I needed to heal and learn to trust again. I might not have followed your blog before but just wanted you to know that I think you are amazing for leaving. Amazing for doing right by your children. I am 45 now and loving life. My husband, the love of my life has adopted my children from my prior marriage. He loves them like they are his own. You will overcome this. I normally don't post to blogs but felt the need to. I know you are coming out the other side and I wanted others ie. Beth and Jill to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnell after an abusive relationship. Get in counseling if you can, have a game plan to make an exit. Close to 1/8 women/men are in an abusive relationship.
ReplyDeleteMelanie
Thanks for your kind words Melanie. I feel like I have come a long way. I went from feeling like I would be forever single and no one would ever want to marry someone with three kids or have a relationship with one for that matter tooooooooo saying my kids are amazing and I am too. I won't settle anymore for anyone. I am a beautiful courageous women who will someday compliment some lucky mans life:) HA! Nice to *meet* someone so far ahead in "recovery".
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