So I went to court house only to find out that I can't get an extension on the Protection Order with out a lawyer. I think that is just bullshit. If you are able to represent yourself in court why can't you print a form and file it yourself? The only thing I could do was file for a PFA in a lower court 24 hour one, then go to the bigger court for a 10 day one with a hearing. Then ask judge to grant me a 1-3 year one. So 3 more days of hearings??? So I was on the phone trying to figure out how to get it done. The original lawyer is out on vacation. UGH! So I wait.
I had an interesting question via email. I was asked why I am not dating and trying to find a replacement father for my children.
What is the current divorce rate? At least 50% right? The rate for a second divorce even higher. I believe that most people who rush back into a relationship do not take the time to fix themselves and fall victim to the same pattern again. I am not willing to do that. As much as I hate being "alone", I rather fix myself first. Not saying I am fucked up ( well yeah I am just a bit) but I do struggle with myself imagine ALL.THE.TIME. If/when I start dating again I need to be comfortable in my own skin again. I need to not be afraid of me. I need to not be dependent on someone else to make me happy. What good am I to someone else if I can't love myself. I do struggle with that. I still have my good days and bad days. I feel like at times I am unworthy. That I don't deserve someone who could treat me well. The honest to God truth. I have more up days than down days now. The longer I survive on my own the longer I see myself.
Yes I want sex but I don't want the relationship yet. I am not ready for that emotionally. I want to be 100% happy and comfortable in my own skin before I take the leap.
You claimed my life would be easier if I had someone here living with me to shoulder the burden. I do not agree 100%. Yes it would be easier if I had a father figure for my children. Yes I wouldn't be the only one cleaning, paying bills and taking off work every time they get sick. I was doing this anyway when I was married. It is easier now "alone" than with a half ass partner who didn't give a shit.Yes I have practically run out of vacation days already. Yes money is tight but you know what I am free at the moment and that is what counts. My happiness is what I make it.
Today was one of those days where I was on the verge of tears. The disappointment that I got from family court saying I can't get the extension. Then I went to the law library to come up empty handed. If I was in Philadelphia County I could have done it myself. I do not think I have cried since I figured out he ripped my wedding dress in half, left used condoms in a box with my wedding garter. I mean I haven't really cried in a long time yet almost did. I don't know something is wrong when you just want to sob and you can't. So yeah I have a long way to go with myself. I shouldn't be ashamed to cry when I need to. I at some point I have to let the tears flow. I need to just let it go.
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