Been a while

Life is still trucking along.  Let's see the protection order expired 9/11/13.  He finally saw the kids again beginning of October.  He can't not keep on the 8 weeks of supervised.  He has seen them maybe 6 times.  First day was 6 hours, then it was 3 hours, then 2 hours, a couple 30 min visits here and there.

Long story short, the man is using meth presently.  Pretty much if he is being nice to me he is on it.  I see two sides of him, asshole Andy and the some what sane person. He has decided probation is not on his list of things to do and decided to not see his PO anymore.  He does currently have a bench warrant out on him.  He saw the kids briefly to get some stuff out of the house last night and now I am paying the price. Part of the settlement in the divorce was me getting his car up to date.  Now he has a inspected car and supposedly plans on running out of the state to avoid jail. Tonight he is thankful it is warm enough for him to sleep in his car.  *sigh* Sorry I can't help you.

 The kids miss him, they are angry they do not know the next time they will see him.   I am the only who stopped the custody.  I said handle the bench warrant first.  He doesn't want to go to jail.  Well I don't want the kids to see you get arrested.

Although........if they did see him get arrested at least I could come clean.  My gut tells me that at some point they need to know the truth.  9, 7. 5 year old my babies, how do I tell them Daddy is a drug addict who is just buying time until he dies or goes to jail.  For now I will "cover up" the real issue and not tell the full truth.  Daddy doesn't feel well. ugh.

Seems like things were going really well until he popped back into the picture.  I don't want to co-parent.  I just want him to go away:(  This sucks.  Winter sucks.  Not enough sunlight for me.  I turn into a hermit.  I don't answer emails, sorry.  I am unmotivated and if I could stay under the covers all day long I would yet I try my hardest to get up each day put a smile on my face, remind my kids of the simple joys in life.  I just feel like I have lost myself, the maze I am walking around is painful and unforgiving.  I need to make it out of this fog and find myself.  Fake it until you make it right?  I hope someday I look back on this and say wow dark times but I made it!

I'll be okay tomorrow and not so dark and gloomy.  The repercussions of them seeing their Father is staggering in intensity.  The anger just boils over in my son.  He just is so mad at his Dad.  Apprehensive in even greeting his Dad.

I have a hard time NOT helping him.  I am getting better about the codependency though.  I have learned boundaries and how to set them.  Sometimes it just takes me twice as long to set them as someone who is more secure in themselves.

All those emails, I am not going to be able to respond.

Shit Day

So I went to court house only to find out that I can't get an extension on the Protection Order with out a lawyer.  I think that is just bullshit.  If you are able to represent yourself in court why can't you print a form and file it yourself?  The only thing I could do was file for a PFA in a lower court 24 hour one, then go to the bigger court for a 10 day one with a hearing.  Then ask judge to grant me a 1-3 year one.  So 3 more days of hearings???  So I was on the phone trying to figure out how to get it done. The original lawyer is out on vacation. UGH! So I wait.

I had an interesting question via email.  I was asked why I am not dating and trying to find a replacement father for my children.

What is the current divorce rate?  At least 50% right?  The rate for a second divorce even higher.  I believe that most people who rush back into a relationship do not take the time to fix themselves and fall victim to the same pattern again.  I am not willing to do that.  As much as I hate being "alone", I rather fix myself first.  Not saying I am fucked up ( well yeah I am just a bit) but I do struggle with myself imagine ALL.THE.TIME.  If/when I start dating again I need to be comfortable in my own skin again.  I need to not be afraid of me.  I need to not be dependent on someone else to make me happy.  What good am I to someone else if I can't love myself.  I do struggle with that.  I still have my good days and bad days.  I feel like at times I am unworthy.  That I don't deserve someone who could treat me well.  The honest to God truth.  I have more up days than down days now.  The longer I survive on my own the longer I see myself. 

Yes I want sex but I don't want the relationship yet.  I am not ready for that emotionally.  I want to be 100% happy and comfortable in my own skin before I take the leap.

You claimed my life would be easier if I had someone here living with me to shoulder the burden.  I do not agree 100%.  Yes it would be easier if I had a father figure for my children.  Yes I wouldn't be the only one cleaning, paying bills and taking off work every time they get sick.  I was doing this anyway when I was married.  It is easier now "alone" than with a half ass partner who didn't give a shit.Yes I have practically run out of vacation days already.  Yes money is tight but you know what I am free at the moment and that is what counts.  My happiness is what I make it.

Today was one of those days where I was on the verge of tears.  The disappointment that I got from family court saying I can't get the extension.  Then I went to the law library to come up empty handed.  If I was in Philadelphia County I could have done it myself.  I do not think I have cried since I figured out he ripped my wedding dress in half, left used condoms in a box with my wedding garter.  I mean I haven't really cried in a long time yet almost did.  I don't know something is wrong when you just want to sob and you can't.  So yeah I have a long way to go with myself.  I shouldn't be ashamed to cry when I need to.  I at some point I have to let the tears flow.  I need to just let it go.

Fuck me

Yeah pretty much.  Maybe a random fuck would make me feel better.  Life just needs a pick me up. Or maybe just to be held.  Or maybe an orgasm or three......................gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. 

To YOU.  You know who you are.

  As much as I try to stay positive it boils down to YOU and the strange spin you put me on.  FWIW you did make the right choice though sending that email and then proceeding to delete that email account after you poured out your heart............sucks because I can't respond to you.  You made the right choice.  Your last paragraph, what did you expect me to do? Live your life.  Reconcile I never asked for anything more.  Love HER!  Love her with all your heart!  Do it for your children.  I truly am happy for you.  You are right..............the last paragraph.

I am stressed beyond....though coping.  I now have 2 court dates next week.  My hopefully stbx had his violation hearing.  6 month probation and anger management. 

Custody hearing next week on the 13th which of course scares the crap out of me.  I am torn.  My children miss him and love him.  It has been 10 months since they have had contact.  Breaks my heart that they miss him so much.  At the same time I am selfish b/c he shouldn't be able to see them!  Not if in my heart I feel like they are just a dollar amount.

So I have the exclusion from the property hearing on the 16th now as well!  My 3000.00 retainer is gone that my parents paid.  I feel bad asking for more money so I will pay the 128.00 I owe.  Then ask for a payment plan. The two hearings next week looking at the bill should be about another 2000.00.

I need my vacation.  I need I need I need....SEX.....frustrated.

Is it so bad I just want to lose myself in sex with someone other than myself?  That I want to just be wanted and reciprocate?  Wrap my lips around cock? 

I am so ready for school to start!  I am worn thin with the daily routine.  I feel like a robot.  I feel withdrawn.  I don't know what I want except to be done with seeing him.  I hate that I saw him on Friday.  I hate that now I have to see him 2 times next week and possibly again next week.  I am going to the court house tomorrow to extend the PFA.

I swear I am about to tap out 401k and say take the money.  Sign off your kids and go.  I don't care about the money because you will NOT break them. 

Scared, lost, sexually frustrated, bitchy needy ANGRY...........you name it.

All over the place and one of the ones which I will wind up deleting at some point.

Holland Road

Still here.  Still struggling but trying to rise up.  I want off this roller coaster.

Mini Update dickwad asshole violated the protection order and entered my house while I was working.  Took a lot of "his" shit.  It isn't his shit if he still owes the money to the credit card companies.  He is asking for equitable distribution.  In his eyes it means, half the house, half my 401k, half his debt etc.  Fuck no.  Fuck you.  I have been the working full time parent who begged you to not charge shit.  You went behind my back and spent it anyway.
Prior to him breaking in my house he had called and said, are you sure you don't want to make things work? *eye roll* then preceded to inform me he wanted his stuff, my lawyer said no, I said no, police said no.  Then told me verbally he was moving back in as soon as the PFA expired on Sept 10th.
So I am waiting for my husband to get arrested for violating the order.  It has been two weeks since he broke in.

Song below...........love it:)


"So I was lost
Go count the cost before you go
To the Holland Road
With your heart like a stone
You spared no time in lashing out
And I knew your pain and the effect of my shame

But you cut me down
You cut me down

And I will not tell
The thoughts of hell
That carried me home
From the Holland Road
With my heart like a stone I put up no fight
To your callous mind and from your corner you rose

To cut me down
You cut me down

So I hit my low
Little did I know
That would not be the end
And from the Holland Road
Well I rose and I rose and I paid less time
To your callous mind and I wished you well
As you cut me down
You cut me down

But I'll still believe
Though there's cracks you'll see
When I'm on my knees I'll still believe
And when I've hit the ground
Neither lost nor found
If you'll believe in me I'll still believe

And I'll still believe
Though there's cracks you'll see
When I'm on my knees I'll still believe
And when I've hit the ground
Neither lost nor found
If you'll believe in me I'll still believe"

 Mumford & Sons – Holland Road

Mini Update and Domestic Violence Hotline

I am curious about the married bloggers whose spouses do not know they blog.  How many of us started to blog to vent and now are in the process of divorce?  Or thinking about it?

Did we start to blog because we had so much we wanted to say and couldn't say to our SO?

I know 7 of us now that are getting divorced.  I guess it saddens me that so many of us have to go through the process.  Once we make it through life will be better.  Some of you have to worry about custody, alimony, selling your house etc etc.  HUGE life changes but we will make it to the other side:) I am thinking about you.

The ninety day wait was up for me here in PA.  I filed the motion to go forward with the divorce just waiting to find out if the judge needs anything else.  I could not turn in my settlement request because my husband has not signed off on it. Not sure where he is at the moment.  I just want to be free of him.  Break all ties.  I know that I can never truly break free but hell I can try!


Okay I have had quite a few emails with people reaching out to me, some ARE currently in abusive relationships. Some of you are reaching out with words of encouragement saying you have been there done that.  I truly do appreciate it.  I am in NO POSITION to offer anyone help on domestic violence situations nor am I trained professional in the matter.  I am still healing and slowly making the climb back up my mountain.  I will NOT offer advice nor will I help you.  You need to help yourself and the first thing you can do is call the domestic violence hotline at the end of this post.

Here is a little bit of my story for those of you reaching out.  If you think you may be in an abusive relationship get help from a professional NOT ME!

I guess what I am thinking is that for me, looking back, I started blogging because deep down inside a voice was telling me I was done with my marriage.  I just did not have the courage that I needed to end it.  I had this overwhelming urge to try to fix a man who didn't want the help.  I first started blogging about my "so called marriage" 4 years ago. I used you all as a sounding board.  Some of you I emailed telling you in detail about some of the abuse asking if I asked for it, or if they would ever do something like that. I thought I pushed him too far by giving back my rings, telling him I was done, asking for an open marriage, taking away his credit cards etc.   Of course someone would get angry and threaten you right?  NO not right.  No one should EVER make you feel unsafe.  No one should ever make you walk on egg shells or be quiet in your house because he wants to sleep all day.  Don't wake Daddy up, he will be angry.  Very angry.

I have a lot of women who email me asking me about emotional abuse vs physical abuse.  The emotional abuse was 95% of the abuse for me.  Though I know deep down inside the physical abuse was going to get worse.  The first couple times he would get mad and something would be thrown, the one time it hit me in the face.  I denied that it happened, said no he could not have thrown that at me.  Then second time was the big one that he went after my son for coming down from time out too early, he went after my son and I went after my husband to pull him off my son.  He punched me in leg. I still tried to help the man and went to his doctor I was still willing  to blame his medications because I was scared of divorce.
The last time was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I drew the line at physical abuse but I should have drawn the line with the emotional abuse. I got the PFA(protection from abuse) put into effect which was scary as all hell but necessary.

Bruises can heal but sometimes the emotional abuse lingers.  You question yourself, your insecurities rear their ugly head but you keep on fighting for a better life.  If you are a women who is suffering from emotional abuse seek professional help contact a local domestic violence shelter and get in counselling.  I had the phone number hidden in my cell phone because I knew he was going to cross the line at some point. Get the help you need or at least find out what your options are.  No one should stay in an abusive relationship.  There is help out there for you. This is for a few of you I have gotten emails from.  My gmail account is not my primary email, I don't check it as often as I should.  Just if you think you  might need help, I can't help you, I am not a professional.  I keep repeating myself I know but I have had so many reach out to me.  I just can't be involved.  My only advice to you is contact a local domestic violence center.

SAFETY ALERT!

Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer, and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) orTTY 1−800−787−3224.

                               http://www.thehotline.org/ Domestic Violence Website with hotline.

nostalgic

What would have been my 11th wedding anniversary is on Saturday. I have to remind myself of the good memories and not constantly remember only the bad ones.
I miss, the cuddles, how he would make me laugh, all the fun things someone would have in a marriage. I been wallowing in bitterness.
I know I don't want him back. I do want to try again but with someone else.
just feel like I turn turned to another chapter in my life. It feels good, yes my marriage was bad but I rather remember some of the good times than be bitter, negative and full of regrets. Life goes on. I have three beautiful kids, and a neighbors daughter who is practically mine. I'm lucky, blessed, beautiful, roof over my head and food on the table. For so long I said I can do this. Now its like I am doing this and doing the best I can.

Okay Okay explaining myself better hopefully;)

Tons of emails from my last post.

This chick has done nothing with her life except build relationships based off lust. The corner stone of my marriage was sex.  I built a relationship off of sex.  I need to do things the other way around.  I need to build a relationship off emotions, love, having things in common, seeing the world similar and having the same goals in life.  One of the things that destroyed my marriage was when I lost the only connection that I had with him..............the SEX.
I feel like I have learned a very good lesson that sex alone can't build a relationship.  I am not claiming that sex was the only thing we had but it was too big of component.  It was the only emotional connection I think I had with him.  I had this driving urge to settle and have children.  Then he became the father of my children, now he is just the sperm donor since he is not a father to them at all.  Maybe this will change in the future but I am not holding my breath.
Yes I understand that you have to be attractive to someone and have that lust but why should I start with sex? I want to like the way the think.  I want to date not just sex.
So noooooooooo not sending out naked pictures.  Not going to be emotional support for the married men in my life or the emotionally unavailable ones.  Not going to feed inner whore at the moment.
Doesn't mean I won't have sex just means that right now, I want an emotional connection first not jump into bed then try to find a connection.  Let them be surprised later when they find out I give very good blow jobs or that I could have sex everyday.  Or that I am not a one orgasm women, one just gets me started.  I want them to accept me on a personal level and love me for me, not just sex.