nostalgic

What would have been my 11th wedding anniversary is on Saturday. I have to remind myself of the good memories and not constantly remember only the bad ones.
I miss, the cuddles, how he would make me laugh, all the fun things someone would have in a marriage. I been wallowing in bitterness.
I know I don't want him back. I do want to try again but with someone else.
just feel like I turn turned to another chapter in my life. It feels good, yes my marriage was bad but I rather remember some of the good times than be bitter, negative and full of regrets. Life goes on. I have three beautiful kids, and a neighbors daughter who is practically mine. I'm lucky, blessed, beautiful, roof over my head and food on the table. For so long I said I can do this. Now its like I am doing this and doing the best I can.

Okay Okay explaining myself better hopefully;)

Tons of emails from my last post.

This chick has done nothing with her life except build relationships based off lust. The corner stone of my marriage was sex.  I built a relationship off of sex.  I need to do things the other way around.  I need to build a relationship off emotions, love, having things in common, seeing the world similar and having the same goals in life.  One of the things that destroyed my marriage was when I lost the only connection that I had with him..............the SEX.
I feel like I have learned a very good lesson that sex alone can't build a relationship.  I am not claiming that sex was the only thing we had but it was too big of component.  It was the only emotional connection I think I had with him.  I had this driving urge to settle and have children.  Then he became the father of my children, now he is just the sperm donor since he is not a father to them at all.  Maybe this will change in the future but I am not holding my breath.
Yes I understand that you have to be attractive to someone and have that lust but why should I start with sex? I want to like the way the think.  I want to date not just sex.
So noooooooooo not sending out naked pictures.  Not going to be emotional support for the married men in my life or the emotionally unavailable ones.  Not going to feed inner whore at the moment.
Doesn't mean I won't have sex just means that right now, I want an emotional connection first not jump into bed then try to find a connection.  Let them be surprised later when they find out I give very good blow jobs or that I could have sex everyday.  Or that I am not a one orgasm women, one just gets me started.  I want them to accept me on a personal level and love me for me, not just sex.

I'm ready

I'm ready to put myself on pussy lock down. I dunno hard to explain but my travels proved to me how easy it would be to go out and have meaningless sex. I was kissed by a man who I had hours of conversation with thought he was pretty nice.I balked on letting him in my room...despite the attraction. The next morning I see him waiting for the shuttle to the airport with one very hung over women. It was his girl friend or wife ugh I hate being the other women.
I'm the other women in so many factions, to so many people. I don't want to be second best,I want to be first. I don't want a meaningless fuck.I think I'm ready to to love again and be loved.
Some might think it is too soon but if you look at how long I faked my marriage, I know that I'm ready. I have goals, I want a bigger family. I want to experience a life where two people are in it together for the greater good. I want to foster children or adopt.
Right now being a single mother I still "foster"other children, one comes with me everywhere. I love her like she is my own, her mother is so checked out she is amazing. I feel like I could really do some good.
Fate will ultimately decide but I hope it happens sooner than later. If not I'm okay. I really do have an amazingly life at present. My state dictates that I can't foster unless I have a spouse but hey if it is not meant to be it isn't meant to be.
I guess I'm okay being single soon to be divorced but sexless by choice. I can't settle for anything less.

Excited

For so long I held myself back in my life. I was not willing to travel for my company and feel like i missed out on so much. My Mom is in town and I get to go to Atlanta on Monday then return Tuesday late. I have never been to Georgia. I have worked with this company for twelve years now and things are just starting to get interesting;)

Now let's just say a little prayer for no snow for the Philly area Monday. I need this trip, granted it's a short one but I really need a night away in a hotel.

Mondays meeting ends at 3 pm. Dinner isn't until 7 pm so I have booked myself a massage and will hopefully squeeze in a nap.

All you people with no kids have it easy, I'm lucky if I can shower without interruptions.....so send some no snow vibes my way!!! I really need to treat myself to a weekend away.  Some where with sand between my toes and a nice tub.  Sure a partner in crime would be fun, someone to have my way with in bed maybe I just need a room with a man!  HA!

dreams

I keep on having a reoccurring dream. In this dream I am lying on crisp white sheets, naked, aroused with a man who has brown hair, hazel eyes and he gazes up to me, mouth poised above my mound. I feel his breath on my clit, he is about to go to town on me. My hands quickly push him down begging him to taste me as my hips lift. Fuck ,then I wake up on the verge of an orgasm. I keep having this dream over and over can't quite make out his face. sometimes it flashes to him coming up my body after I've cum kissing me hard as I taste myself on his tongue pinning my arms above my head as he slowly pushes himself inside me.....gaaaaaah...why can't it be real.....

Old Flames

A friends with benefits I had right as I met my husband bumped into me yesterday. If I want to be 100% honest I hooked up with him once or twice before my husband and I got engaged. He came up behind me and whispered in my ear "I still remember the taste of your pussy." OMG yeah some women might find that too forward but I just about melted.  I am on the fence.  While I would love to go back to where we left off I am torn.  I mean he ate a mean pussy.  Probably the best I have had to be honest.  The draw back is we never had sex.  He doesn't do sex.  I remember him cumming just from pleasuring me but the few times I reached for him, he stopped me.  Sex just isn't his thing AT ALL.  He gets nothing from it.  He doesn't like receiving.  I like giving and receiving.  He likes giving and watching.  He gets off on sharing his women.  He likes to watch his significant other have sex with other men. Ben (fwb's) was overwhelming to my senses but willingly to let me be who I was at the time.  I guess we hooked up on and off over a couple year span and it was fun.  Sheesh the orgasms were amazing:)  I still remember having to tap out and say I am done............enough!  LOL
Yes I have a fantasy about being with two men.  Yes this would be an opportunity to fulfill that fantasy as well.

35 year old women and what almost halfway through my sex life.  Yeah I want more sex but at what cost?  I settled for my husband.  I really did.  So fuck that shit!  I am not willing to settle. At the same time I have some needs and nothing better than good oral right?  See torn between old ways of feeling wanted but not willing to give my heart up.  Ben really really liked me part of the reason why I pushed him away.  I definitely know I can't settle for oral sex only.  Then again I could just take the pleasure again.   

I am just in a spot in my life where I want to go out and have fun BUT part of me wants to have someone by my side.  Someone who feels lucky to be with me and I feel lucky to be with them.
I can sit here and reflect back on my life and freely admit that I have never had a healthy relationship.  I really want that experience someday!  I know that sounds like a silly thing to say but it is on my bucket list.  HAHA Seems 90% of the men I meet are assholes and married. 

So he has my email and we will see what I decide.  Maybe the no sex rule is off the table.  Maybe it could be a fun way to pass time but again at what cost?  I am not ready for a relationship, I need to get through my divorce and fix myself. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. 

Ups and downs

Well the "ups" lasted for a while, this week has been all about the "downs".  One of those weeks where I almost wanted to feel sorry for myself.  Thankfully I have some kick ass friends who don't let me get away with that shit. One of them brought over 2 bottles of wine and a case of beer!  We almost drank the two bottles.  A lot of fun.  I miss me time.

My husband started to come around my street this week.  About 30 houses down.  I could see his car from my kitchen.  So it was very nerve wracking.  I am pissed about it still.  What you wanna emotionally damage your kids?  You won't file for custody but will visit a neighbor?  What a fucktard!

On Thursday morning I had a discussion with my son.  It was an adult conversation for an 8 year old.  Just saying listen Daddy is here in the neighborhood, please don't approach him. He is just visiting a friend.  We have to wait for permission to see Daddy etc.  Then my son floors me and says "Daddy is a drug addict."

Um............ wow seriously.  Then he precedes to tell me why he thinks is father is a drug addict. 

So I am just floored by how frank my son was with me.  Such a little man.

That day he decides to take a pocket knife with him to school to protect himself.  Right before the end of school he decides to put it in his pocket and drops it.  He claims he was preparing himself just in case Daddy was waiting for him. This kills me. 

I do not know what is going to happen.  Friday I sent him to school knowing he got caught, the school had NOT contacted me yet.  Then I had to go pick him up, he is suspended until a school board hearing is held. (no longer than 10 business days)

Called in reinforcements, my Mom is flying in tomorrow!   YAY. I am still freaking out but trucking alone.

My Mom has manged to some how take the reigns, she is kicking me out of the house next weekend.  I have no idea WHAT to do but YAY.  I need a break.  I have been flying solo with 3 kids since October.  Even if I don't make plans for next weekend, I am going to at least get one night in a hotel for sleep!  I need it! 

So yeah, fuck me, this week sucked BUT you know what...........I am a kick ass Mom who can handle just about anything.  I work full time and manage to keep the house in order with my 3 little tornadoes.  So I don't have time to feel sorry for myself, I have to keep on trucking.  I have to just keep on going for my kids on the days I don't feel like getting out of bed. 

Next week will be excellent right?  I hope!  I don't think they will expel my son but they are aware of the situation of my husband.